June 17th, 2023
Father’s Day is kind of a sentimental holiday, one that drips with nostalgia for families that probably only existed on television shows that were broadcast in black and white. The fathers in these TV series were always patient, caring, and wise. Fathers like that are rare. I know that because I’m not one of them.
Most fathers are imperfect, and they fall short of expectations even when they try hard to do the right thing. Generally, fathers look their best when they appear in an obituary. Prior to that, their flaws are obvious to anyone who cares to look. I have met people who have told me about how wonderful their dads were. I can never bring myself to completely trust those individuals. Either their memories are faulty, or they have been extraordinarily fortunate.
Father’s Day seems to focus on honoring biological fathers. I guess that makes sense, but there is more to being a dad than just donating some sperm. I know one man who considers himself to be a good father, and all he has ever shared with his son is his DNA. That doesn’t cut it.
It’s difficult to be a father. I think it’s always been that way. When a guy becomes a dad, nobody hands him an operator’s manual for nurturing the child. It’s all on-the-job training. In a way, raising a kid is like shooting at a moving target, while the shooter is also in motion. The child is constantly changing and developing, and so is the father. The process is dynamic, and everything is transitory. It is impossible for the parent to get a handle on the situation because every day the child is different and so is the parent.
I’ve screwed up many things as a parent. If you want details, you can ask my kids. I’ve caused needless confusion and trauma. I try to think of what I have done right, and I have trouble coming up with much of anything.
One of things that I did right was to introduce the kids to other male role models. Most dads get their fathering skills from their own fathers. My dad was good at some things, and absolutely horrendous with others. It’s the same with me. I tried to have other men in the lives of my children, guys who were trustworthy, but who did things very differently than I did them. Children need a variety of mentors. Sometimes, it’s a coach or a teacher or craftsman that inspires a young person. It’s not always the father.
Father’s Day should recognize and honor all the guys who help to turn boys and girls into men and women, not just the fathers who have a blood bond with the children. There are all sorts of men who are vitally important to a child but are not necessarily related to them. These guys are also fathers. Real fathers.
Frank is Emptiness 