January 26th, 2024
The title of this essay is a Latin aphorism that roughly translates in English to “Of the dead nothing but good is to be said.” The statement is attributed to Chilon of Sparta. The idea behind the words is that it is unfair to malign the dead, since they have no opportunity to respond the criticism or to defend themselves. That’s true. However, refraining from censuring the dead is also a bit awkward.
I met with a friend of mine two days ago. We get together every week or two to sit and talk and share a couple beers. We worked at the same company for almost thirty years. When we meet, we talk about the sort of things that old men usually discuss: grandkids, health problems, and fallen comrades.
It so happened that I had heard that morning from another person about a fellow coworker who was on his death bed. I told my friend about him. We had both worked with the man for years, and we knew him well. After I mentioned the guy’s condition, my friend and I became quiet for a while.
I finally admitted to my friend that I had nothing positive to say about the dying man. My friend then related a story to me about an experience he had years ago with the soon to be departed person. It was not a pleasant tale, and my friend grew upset as he told me about the incident. I felt depressed. Death is always sad. It’s worse when the individual on his way out is not going to be missed.
I have been to funerals where people truly celebrated the life of the dead person. I have been to gatherings where mourners exchanged bittersweet stories about the departed, and their voices were full of sorrow and affection. There are people for whom it is easy to recall happy events. Their lives brought joy to others, and they are deeply missed when they leave this world.
Other people die, and the survivors have to cherry pick memories. They have to separate the happy times from the bad old days. I have been to funerals where that has happened. It might take a little effort, but generally the survivors can remember some good things about the dead person.
I have attended a couple funerals where the mourners took the Latin dictum to heart, and they did not speak ill of the dead. Instead, they said nothing at all. That is tragic and horrifying in a way. Silence can also be an effective means of condemnation. At those events, the feeling seemed to be: “Let’s get this over with.” The deceased is quickly buried and just as quickly forgotten.
I will eventually have my turn. I suspect that I won’t much care what people say about me after I am dead. I would prefer if they just spoke the truth, if they choose to speak at all.
Frank is Emptiness 