What Should I Do?

January 19th, 2025

Some problems don’t have solutions. This is a fact that I have often found difficult to accept. I am by nature and training a problem solver and troubleshooter. I often expect that, with sufficient knowledge and resources, I can fix almost anything. As I have grown older, I have found that there are many things that I cannot fix.

I have been trying to care for a person with a chronic and perhaps fatal disease. I have known this person all of their life and have actively been involved with the treatment of their disease for well over a decade. There was a time when I thought I had a handle on things and that I knew what to do for the person. I no longer think that way. I don’t know what to do, and I probably never did know.

A debilitating disease is hard on the sick person and on everybody that knows them. Even people who are supposed to be experts really don’t know how to treatment the ailment. It is a shocking realization to learn that everyone is fumbling in the dark for a cure, or even for a way to just alleviate the suffering. Over the years, we have tried a wide variety of treatments. We have received advice from many well-meaning people, and some of it has been good, but never quite good enough. What has been an effective treatment for one person is not necessarily useful for anyone else. Every person is unique and constantly changing. There is no single cure for all people with a particular disease. There can’t be.

It has been hard for us to deal with the progress of the disease. There have been interludes of relative stability and good health. These periods have occasionally been long enough for us to relax. The temporary calm sometimes lulled us into a false sense of security. Then, without warning, there would be a crisis, and all hell would break loose. Suddenly, things were crazy and terrifying. There were days filled with panic. Those crises stay with us and scar us. I am at a point where I can no longer relax. I am always on edge waiting for the next emergency.

I ask myself, “What should I do?” Sometimes, there is something I can do to help. Sometimes, there is not. When I can’t find a way make things better, or at least not make them worse, I feel utterly helpless. This is a feeling that I have often and with increasing frequency.

“What should I do?” is probably not the right question. I have become aware that I may not be called to do anything. There are times when I only need to be. Sometimes, I can only be a witness. I can only listen. I can only suffer along with the other person.

I am learning how to be.