Learning

February 9th, 2018

I have been trying to get the hang of writing on a tablet. Up until quite recently, I had never used one. I never had the need to use one. However, seeing as I will be going across the country soon, and I have no idea of when I will return, I am learning to use the tablet. I have no choice.

I embrace new technology with great reluctance. Stefan finds my attitude to be hilarious. He roundly mocks my ignorance of the latest electronic means of communication. Actually, I am also ignorant about many older types of tech. It’s not that I can’t learn to use these tools; it’s more that I don’t really care. I have never taken a selfie. I only text when I need to do so.  I loathe Facebook. I just don’t understand the fascination with the magic screens.

That’s not entirely true. I am writing this blog on a computer, so I guess that I am grudgingly a member of the 21st Century. I’ve finally accepted that this is what I have to do in order to communicate in a certain population. There is no getting around it.

On Monday I am getting on a train and going to Seattle. God willing, I will arrive there on the morning of Ash Wednesday. On Friday, I need to be in Blaine, WA, to participate in the “Longest Walk 5.3”. You can look up their website if you want. The chairperson for the nearly endless walk (Blaine to Washington DC) is Bobby Wallace, and he has his heart set on me being his media guy. Wow. I’m not sure what he is thinking here. Either he has great (and unfounded) faith in my ability to communicate in writing, or he’s desperate. I can write. I know that. However, I’ve never had much interest in disseminating my work. Bobby want me to reach out to the world about this walk, and I’m not sure how to do that. He’s dragging me out of my comfort zone, and I find it it oddly amusing.

I have no worries that I will have a shortage of material for my writing. I expect that I will meet a wide variety of interesting people, and I expect that at least some of them will be thrilled to tell me their stories. I am looking forward to that. The truth is that I have met very few boring people in my life. Even those who seem to live a mundane existence still have some strange tales to tell. The problem is that usually nobody listens to them.

I am going into this enterprise with few expectations. I would have to actually know something to have expectations, and I don’t know much about this whole affair. Right now, there are lots of question marks. Somehow, that’s okay.

As Hunter S. Thompson said, “Pay the money. Take the ride.”

 

 

 

 

 

Formation

February 5th, 2018

Tom is gone. He wasn’t at morning prayer today. He won’t be there tomorrow either. Tom left the novitiate at St. Rita. He went back to his home in Michigan. Karin and I were friends with Tom. He told us last Thursday that he was leaving the Augustinians. We offered to take him out for dinner, but he had to be gone from the parish on Friday, and he had things yet to do.

Tom was one of six men assigned to St. Rita as part of their formation as priests and members of the Augustinian order. Novices spend a year at St. Rita, and then they get sent to schools in Chicago or San Diego. That is what happens, unless, like Tom, they decide that the religious life is not what they want. The other five novices are still at St. Rita. There is Spencer, from Oklahoma. There is Steve from Northern Ireland and Dave from England. Manny is from Pakistan and Ray is from New Mexico. I think that Tom was one of the youngest of the novices. Some of the men are older, with grey hair or no hair. Tom is athletic and solidly built. He always seemed to have a positive attitude, so it was a surprise to me that he decided to leave that path.

Tom told us that he was at peace with his decision to leave the novitiate. I was glad to hear that. It’s hard to leave that kind of a program. It reminded me a lot of when I was at West Point. “Christian formation” is sometimes defined as something that is “trans-formative not legalistic, and (it) requires attention to the interior life”. I think that the key word is “trans-formative”. A person going through a formation program to become a priest is being transformed. A person going through a program to become a military officer is also being transformed. In both instances the person is being trained intensively, and that individual acquires certain values. An Augustinian values God, love, and compassion. A West Pointer gets “duty, honor, country”. Some religious people would not necessarily describe my experience in the Army as “formation”, but that is actually what it was. I came out of the wormhole a very different person than how I went into it.

I told Tom that, whatever he decides to do, his time with the Augustinians will never be a waste. I mentioned to Tom that there is an author, Thomas Moore, who wrote Care of the Soul. Moore was in a monastic order as a young man, but then he left and he eventually became a Jungian analyst. Care of the Soul, along with his other books, are filled with ideas that Moore learned while living a religious life. Somebody once told Moore that he would always do the work of priest, even though he had never been ordained. I think that any formation experience leaves an indelible mark on the participant, regardless of how long the person went through the process.

Years ago, I went on a retreat at a Jesuit retreat center. A priest there told me that I would always be a soldier. I really didn’t want to hear that at the time. However, I think he was right. My time in the military is like a tattoo, or maybe a scar. It’s part of who I am, whether I like it or not. In some ways the experience makes me a better person. In some ways, not so much. I have spent decades trying to sort out the good from the bad. I am still trying to make peace with my history.

I wish Tom well. I did not get to know him for very long, but I am grateful for the little  time we shared. He’s a good man.

 

 

Slavic Spirituality

February 1st, 2018

I found a flyer at our church about a class at the Siena Retreat Center in Racine. The topic was “Slavic Spirituality”. That title intrigued me for a couple reasons. First, I had never before heard of of anyone discussing that topic. Second, being a descendant of Slavs myself, I wanted to know just what Slavic spirituality is in comparison to other types of spirituality. What would make the Slavic version unique?

I signed up for the class, and I showed up at the retreat center the next morning. The seminar lasted most of the day. I went into the class without expectations. I didn’t know what it would be like. I wanted to be surprised, and I was.

Claire Anderson was the group facilitator. I had a chance to speak to her before the program started. She has a ready smile, and she listens well. Despite her surname, Claire is of Polish ancestry. She’s lived in Poland, and has made frequent visits to the country. She has a doctorate in ministry, and she is the executive director of the retreat center. Generally, I am not impressed by degrees or by titles. I was impressed by Claire’s openness and her passion for the topic. She has very personal interest in Slavic culture and how that affects religious practice. I could feel the enthusiasm when I talked with her.

Claire started in the program in the usual manner: she had us sitting in a circle, and she asked each person to introduce themselves. Most of the group was made up of older women. There were only two men there. Most of the people were of Slavic descent, primarily Polish. We had two outliers: one woman was an artist, and her background was Dutch and Danish; the other was Sister Jaye, who has been painting Ukrainian Easter eggs for fifty years.

When it was my turn to speak, I told the members of the group that my people originally came from Slovenia. I joked that Slovenians are best know for feeling sorry for themselves. Slovenians have a kind of edgy moodiness that straddles the boundary between melancholy and clinical depression. Obviously, this is a gross generalization, but others in the group, including Claire, confirmed my assertion from their own experiences with Slovenians.

Slovenes may be an extreme example, but it seems to me that Slavs, overall, tend to go to the dark side. Slavs often dwell on the passion and suffering Christ. We spend a lot of time on Good Friday. Slavic literature, art, and music all have shades of sadness. Is there any Slavic music that is not in a minor key? There is always a sense of loss.

Why is that?

Claire categorized Slavic spirituality under the umbrella of “indigenous spiritualities”. That struck me as odd, but then she explained what she meant. “Indigenous spirituality draws from the cultural wisdom of a people”. That’s what she said. She also implied that this wisdom is ancient and somehow connected to a particular place. She commented that there are considerable academic resources available concerning Celtic spirituality,  African spirituality, Native American traditions, or the East Asian versions. However, there is almost nothing about the Slavs. In many cases, an indigenous spirituality is something that has at some point in history been repressed because the indigenous culture was dominated by another, stronger society. In short, an indigenous culture has had its ass kicked by somebody else for long period of time.

Were the Slavs oppressed? Yes, quite often. I heard a joke once that said that all German symphonies are in major keys, and all Russian symphonies are in minor keys. The Germans are always invading, and Russians get invaded. Could there be a connection? Different Slavic nations have spent centuries under the heels of Germans, Magyars, Turks, and Mongols. Yeah, the Slavs qualify as indigenous.

Claire’s presentation skimmed over the surface of a lot of different topics. This was necessary. There was simply too much material to cover in depth. Claire came up with some basic characteristics of Slavic spirituality. It is nature-based. There is a sense of cosmic harmony and order. Solidarity is more important to the Slavs than the exaggerated individualism of the West. Ritual is omnipresent. Life is viewed in terms of the cycle of the seasons. There is a strong feminine aspect. Ancestors are considered part of the present, as well as part of the past. Everything is interconnected.

Claire had set up eight stations throughout the room in order to give concrete meaning to the spiritual aspects of daily life. She assigned each station to a certain point in the year: a station for each equinox and each solstice, and a station for each midpoint between a solstice and an equinox. There was a station concerning rituals and celebrations at the spring equinox (Easter eggs, flowers, that sort of thing). Christmas rituals were part of the station for the winter solstice. A harvest motif was set up for the autumn equinox. Each time of the year has its own particular meaning, its own message for the human soul.

The pattern of the stations reminded me of my time with the Waldorf School. The people there made a great effort to incorporate the cycle of the seasons into the life of the students. There were different festivals and events during the year. I remember the May Pole on May Day (a day equidistant between he spring equinox and the summer solstice). We celebrated Michelmas, the feast of St. Michael, which happens to near the fall equinox. We carried homemade lanterns on Martinmas, the feast of St. Martin, which is at the beginning of November, equidistant between the fall equinox and the winter solstice. All these events keep a person in tune with the earth and the cosmos. These things keep a person grounded in reality.

Ir struck me, as made our tour of Claire’s stations, that Slavic spirituality is intuitive. There isn’t a lot of logic or reasoning involved. It is a heart spirituality, as opposed to being all in the head. It is experiential: rituals, devotions, pilgrimages, special meals, and visits to shrines. There are blatant superstitions involved, but sometimes superstitions are truths that can only be understood in a non-verbal, symbolic level. I was deeply touched by some of what we saw and said, and I don’t know why. Somehow it resonated.

At the end of the seminar, we all had a chance to say what we thought and felt about it. I had more questions at the end of the day than I had at the beginning. That’s probably a good thing. I guess the basic questions are: “What am I?” Why am I who I am?”

What gives me my piece of a Slavic spirituality? Is it the culture, the language, the climate, or is it part of my DNA? How deep does it all go? How much of this history do I pass on to our children? How much of it do we know? How much can we know?

Claire needs to have another class.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dreamers

January 30st, 2018

The following letter from me will be published by the Chicago Tribune tomorrow in the Voice of the People section. It will also be in the Racine Journal times and the Capital Times (Madison, WI).

“Dreamers are being used as pawns in a political game. Trump and his Republican allies are the most obvious manipulators of these young people, but the Democrats don’t have their hands clean either. Approximately 800,000 persons who were brought here illegally as children are facing an uncertain future because American politicians insist on using them in a cynical power struggle. I am convinced that very few of the legislators in Washington actually care about these immigrants. I’m sure that Trump doesn’t care. These kids just represent another issue that can be used to fire up a base.”

“I know some Dreamers. I know them as friends. I know them as co-workers. I know them as human beings who have the same fears and hopes that I do. These youths want to build a life in America, the only country that most of them have ever known. They deserve to be treated with decency. They deserve to be treated with respect. They are just like me. They are just like you.”

“Right now, these Dreamers, through no fault of their own, are living in constant fear. I wouldn’t want to live in fear. Would you?”

 

 

 

Intentions

January 29th, 2018

There was a strong wind blowing out of the north this morning, as I made my way home from Mocha Lisa, the coffee shop that Karin and I most often frequent. Usually, I drive home from Mocha Lisa with Karin. It is five miles from the coffee shop to our house. However, I need to get ready for the really long walk that is fast approaching. So, I tucked my head down and walked along the bike trail past the WEPCO power plant. Snowflakes stung my cheeks, and I was suddenly grateful that I have a beard. Even a beard couldn’t keep my entire face warm. My eyes filled with tears at times. Some of the tears were not from the cold.

Walks are conducive to pondering. My thoughts wandered even as my feet did. I gazed at the billowing clouds of white steam coming from the dual stacks of the power plant, but my mind was elsewhere. I kept thinking about the girl we love.

The girl told us that the sheriff’s office got back the results of her blood test. Not so good. On one hand, with the results available, the DA and the public defender can cut a deal. The case can move forward to some kind of resolution. On the other hand, the resolution will most likely include time in prison. That’s the way everything is pointing. It might be a year in prison. It might be two. The only sure thing is that she will do time.

I have been doing some research for the young woman. She indicated to me that she needs to have a place to stay once she gets released. If she has housing set up, it is more likely that she will be released on time or early. So, I have been looking for her. In particular, I have been looking for a home in a communal environment. The young woman functions best in a group setting, some place where people simultaneously encourage her and hold her accountable. She is not good at flying solo.

So far, I have a Catholic Worker farm in California that will take her in, and today somebody from a Catholic Worker farm in western Wisconsin told me that his community would be willing to welcome the young woman into their midst. Does the girl we love want to go to these places? I don’t know. Will she even be able to go to these homes after she gets released? Once again, I don’t know. As I told the loved one, “I am exploring.”

We live in a culture that is totally result oriented. Everything is about the bottom line. Everything is about efficiency and effectiveness. I am not sure that I am being efficient or effective. I don’t know if I will be able to find an appropriate home for the loved one. I don’t know if I will be at all successful in getting her a place to stay. I have no idea if my efforts will bear fruit, or if all will be in vain.

That’s okay. This is where twelve years of Zen practice come into play. Zen is not about results. Zen is about intentions. What is my intention in all this? The answer is that I want to help the girl. I am doing whatever I am doing out of love. Well, anyway, I think I am. If I really am acting out of love, then the results don’t matter as much. Maybe, God (or whoever is in charge) has something else in mind for the girl we love. That doesn’t mean that my act of love is pointless. Perhaps what I do is all destined to complete an entirely different purpose. I don’t know. All I know is that love never goes to waste. Love always accomplishes some good. Always.

I will continue to help (or attempt to help) the girl we love. I may fail utterly in my efforts. It doesn’t matter. What matters is my intention and the effort I make. That’s all I can do. I intend to do all I can do.

 

 

 

Baby Pictures

January 27th, 2018

Hans called us yesterday afternoon. Mostly, he talked about work. He works for a concrete firm down in Texas, and he is going to operate the company’s 56-meter boom truck. The truck has pipes and hoses to pump concrete from cement mixers to wherever the job site is. He pumps the concrete, and then a crew of finishers smooth it out. In theory, the boom truck can pump concrete up to fifty-six meters away. That’s more than half a football field. It’s a big truck, and it is a big responsibility. Hans loves machines. He has always been good with them. He sees this chance to operate the boom truck as an opportunity to challenge himself and to make some more money. He went on and on about this truck, with its six sets of wheels and all of its odd quirks. After a while, Hans acquires a feel for the machines under his care. He learns to know them by how they sound and how they move. His understanding becomes intuitive.

We also got a call (actually, two calls) from the girl we love. She called from jail. She was having a bad day. Well, every day in jail is a bad day, but some are worse than others. The young woman sounded very anxious. She was sobbing on the phone.

Karin wasn’t at home when the first call came. The girl we love initially wanted to talk to Karin, but I was the only person available.  The young woman is sick of all the uncertainty concerning her future. She just wants to get it all over with. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Nothing can be resolved in her court case until the DA gets the results of her blood tests. For reasons beyond my understanding, it takes months for the court to get these results. The DA seems believes that the results will be there before this girl has her next court appearance in March. The one we love is not so convinced. She had been trying without success to contact her lawyer to find out about getting a speedy trail, whatever that is.

I told our loved one that I could email the lawyer for her. She might answer my email. The loved one told me that would help, and she seemed to calm down just a little bit.

I am not good at soothing people. This partly due to the fact that I don’t lie well. The girl told me that she was scared and worried. She was at a loss as to what to do. I told her,

“I’m not you and I’m not in there. I don’t know.”

I’ve been in jail before, but not for an extended period. I don’t know what this girl is feeling. I can’t fix this situation.

I also said, “We love you. We are trying to help. We will be there with you on Sunday.”

That’s all the game I got.

The young woman called again later to tell us that she finally got hold of her lawyer. The speedy trial thing is not a good move, per her public defender. The girl will have to ride it out. I gave the phone to Karin. Karin spoke with the loved one. Karin’s style is very different than mine. She speaks in soft tones and offers soft solutions to hard problems. Sometimes that works better than my cold and heartless manner. Karin told the loved one to concentrate on her breathing and to try and relax a bit. The loved one pushed back on that suggestion, but she didn’t totally refuse to try it. Men and women work differently. Maybe it is better so.

During the call from Hans, Karin mentioned to him that his fiancee, Gabi, wanted to see some baby pictures from him. That’s usually a red flag. Hans reluctantly agreed that Karin could send some photos to Gabi. Karin was thrilled by that answer and proceeded to dig through old photo albums to find the cutest pictures of the infant Hans.

This is not the first time that somebody has asked to see baby pictures. Stefan’s long time girlfriend, July, has asked us to look at pictures of Stefan from when he was little. Stefan balked at this suggestion.

“I look fat in those pictures!”

We replied, “No, you look healthy.”

“I look chubby in those photos!”

“The pediatrician told us that you were healthy and happy.”

July looked at the pictures, smiled, and said, “Awwww.”

Stefan sighed and shook his head.

The fact is that it is nearly impossible for a guy to look macho in a baby photo. Stefan looked cute. Totally cuddly. I think girlfriends want to see baby pictures to somehow get some idea of the man’s genetic background. If the guy was just adorable as a little kid, then there is hope for the future.

It was nearly impossible for Karin to find pictures of Hans that excluded his siblings and others. Karin found a picture of Hans with the girl we love. Karin laughed and said to me,

“See! We had fun back then!”

Yeah, we did. Unfortunately, my memories are partially covered with the patina of current events. Even things that seemed innocent and joyful years ago have a slightly darker tone to them.

Karin will scan some pictures for Gabi. I am sure that Gabi will like them. Hans really was a happy and playful child. He was a joy to us.

I don’t often look at old pictures. It hurts me to do so. I try to be in the present, a place where I might make a difference. The past is gone, and so are all the people in those faded photos.  It doesn’t matter if the people in the pictures are living or dead. None of them exist any more.

 

 

 

 

Walking

January 23rd, 2018 (4:00 PM)

I just came home after walking eight miles. I’m a little tired and a more than a little stiff. We live in a suburb that is still semi-rural in places. It snowed last night, and some roads were clean and some weren’t. Most of the streets were just wet, having been plowed and salted early in the morning. I walked for a while along a bike path that was still covered with a couple inches of heavy, sloppy snow. My footprints were the first to mark that trail.

I like to walk. It can be a meditative practice. Walking forces a person to slow down. It allows the individual to observe his or her surroundings in a way that is impossible while driving a car. While I hiked the bike path, I had time to look at the snow covering the tree branches, weighing them down. Occasionally. a breeze would move the branches, and the wet snow would fall softly to the ground. I was struck by the universal whiteness of the fresh snow. Even with grey, overcast skies, the reflection of the light off of the snow was bright and glaring. I heard birds twittering in the trees. I saw a hawk floating on a thermal up above the trail. I had time to look and listen and feel and think.

I usually don’t walk so far. I have been increasing the distance of my travels because in three weeks I will be participating in the longest walk that I have ever attempted. The “Longest Walk 5.3” goes from near Seattle to Washington DC. That’s 2800 miles, give or take a hundred or two. I am guessing that we will walk at least fifteen miles a day. I need to be in some kind of shape before I join the journey. I am gradually working myself up to where I think I need to be to keep up with everyone else.

The walk starts in Blaine, WA, on Friday, February 16th. It probably won’t be as cold as it is here in Wisconsin, but it will be cold. It will probably be rainy too, if I remember the weather in the Pacific Northwest. So, wandering around here in the snow and wind is not a bad way of getting ready for the big walk. It won’t be a shock when I get there and start the pilgrimage.

Our loved one called us from jail today. She is concerned about me going on the Longest Walk. She is worried that I won’t be available to help her. Realistically, there is nothing that I can do here that I can’t do from two thousand miles away. Karin will handle the day-to-day affairs while I am on the road. If there are problems, Karin can contact me. If there is an emergency, the loved one call call me on my cell phone (collect).

The loved one asked me to be present when she gets sentenced. I don’t know when that will be. She doesn’t know when that will be. Nobody knows yet. The sentencing won’t happen for a couple months, at the earliest. However, it’s likely that the hearing will take place before the walk ends on July 14th in Washington DC. I promised the young woman that I will be there, along with Karin, in that courtroom for the sentencing. I will be with that girl. When I find out the date of the hearing, wherever I am, I will quit the walk, and find my way back home.

So, now I know that I won’t complete the entire journey. I will just do as much as I can.

 

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man

January 21st, 2017

“Take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin’ ship
My senses have been stripped
My hands can’t feel to grip
My toes too numb to step
Wait only for my boot heels to be wanderin’
I’m ready to go anywhere
I’m ready for to fade
Into my own parade
Cast your dancing spell my way
I promise to go under it.”

Bob Dylan

 

It’s strange how time and words catch up with a person. Many years ago I bought the vinyl version of “Mr. Tambourine Man” as sung by the Byrds. This afternoon, I listened to Roger McGuinn and David Crosby sing the lyrics, more than once, more than twice. Today, for some reason, I played that record and it meant something new. Suddenly, a song from my youth became very pertinent.

In three weeks I will go to Blaine, Washington, to start a walk (Longest Walk 5.3) with strangers that ends somewhere unknown to me. I know where the walk begins, but that is all I know. I don’t know the route. I don’t know where I will eat or sleep. I don’t know how far I will go. I don’t know how I will get home.

Up until recently, I would never have attempted a journey like this one. I always needed to be organized. I always needed to have everything planned out. I always needed to be safe, or as safe as I could be.

Now, I don’t care.  Now “I am ready to go anywhere”, and “I am ready for to fade”. Whatever happens, happens. It’s all up to God.

What a strange, scary, wonderful, exciting feeling.

 

 

Bashar

January 18th, 2018

“Can you help me with this?”

Bashar asked me that, as he brought his laptop into the room. I had just finished reading a story with Bashar’s younger siblings: Muhamed, Nisrin, and Nizar. Bashar is a high school student, and he is much older than most of the other children. The oldest boy in the family is Hussein. He is also in high school, but I am not sure what grade he’s in.

Bashar sat down next to me, and showed me his homework. He needed to complete an online worksheet about civil disobedience.

I thought to myself, “Cool! I know something about this shit!”

In a burst of enthusiasm, I told Bashar that I too have participated in civil disobedience. We looked up the photos from the demonstration at Creech AFB, and I told Bashar the strange, twisted tale of my arrest. Bashar was interested, but perhaps a bit confused by my account of the events in Nevada. I asked him if he wanted to use my story in his homework assignment.

Bashar shook his head, and said, “No, we have to write about one of these people”, and he pointed at a short list of names of civilly disobedient persons. The list had Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi on it. Hell, these were the apostles of civil disobedience. I am just a rank amateur. The folks on the list are way out of my league.

Oh well, Bashar and I worked on explaining the life of MLK. I tried to tell Bashar some facts about Martin Luther King. He kept telling me, “I know.” Really? Then why am I helping you with this? Maybe the “I know” response is an adolescent thing. At my age, I am fully aware that I don’t know much of anything, and I am at peace with that.

We got briefly sidetracked in our work. Bashar asked me, “You know Arabic?”

“I know a little bit. I studied Arabic in the Army, but I can’t remember many of the words any more.”

Bashar told me, “I have that problem too. I am forgetting Arabic. It is seven years since I speak Arabic all the time. Mostly during that time I speak Turkish, and now English.”

I tried to tell Bashar about my son, Hans, who fought in Iraq. I attempted to talk about Hans in Arabic. I told Bashar that Hans killed a man during the war. Bashar listened and paid attention to what I said.

Then Bashar smiled and said, “You speak good Arabic.”

I shook my head, “Just a little.”

Bashar told me something about the fighting in his native Syria. I didn’t quite understand what he told me, but I gathered that it was nothing good. It bothered me. Bashar has gone through some horrific experiences, but he is still optimistic about his future. I wish that I knew more about his past, so I could understand who he is now.

Bashar’s mother brought me hot, sweet tea.

Bashar asked me, “You like tea?”

“Yes”, I replied as I drank some of it.

“You want more?”

I told Bashar, “No, that is enough for now.”

“But you say that you like it.”

“I do, but I can’t drink any more right now.”

We worked some more on his homework assignment. I tried to explain to him what civil disobedience really meant. He understood, kinda sorta. We need to have a much longer conversation on this topic.

We finished the worksheet. Bashar smiled.

“That is good. Very good.”

“Well, I have to go home now.”

“More tea?”

What is it with the tea?

“Uh no. I really am full.”

Bashar shook my hand. “Thank you for your help.”

I told him, “I’m glad to help you.” I meant it.

“Maybe next time I write about you.”

I said, “Yeah, maybe. It’s okay.”

“Good night.”

We shook hands again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zenjew

January 13th, 2017

When things work out, I like to get up early on Saturday mornings and start my day at the Great Lake Zen Center. The center is part of the Kwan Um School of Zen, which is a Korean flavor of the tradition. I will not attempt to explain Zen. The very act of explaining is self-defeating. Zen is best summed up (for me) as “sit down and shut up”. Anything else is superfluous. We spend an hour chanting (in Korean), sitting in silence, and walking in silence. There is usually a brief reading from the works of the founder, Sueng Sahn, and then an even briefer discussion of his obscure and cryptic lessons. After that, we go for coffee at some shop that is connected to some fundamentalist, Bible-based local church. Why not?

The coffee time is sometimes the best part of Zen practice. We have a very tight sangha (community). People at the center care about each other, and it feels like a family. We meditate together, and we always seem to be in each other’s hearts. This is a big deal to me. When we sit and suck coffee after our practice, I feel strongly connected with those around me. I can’t adequately describe the feeling. It’s not rational. It’s totally intuitive. However, it is very, very real.

When things work out, I drive from the Zen Center to Lake Park Synagogue. Lake Park is another spiritual home for me. The synagogue is an Orthodox shul. Intensely Jewish. Big time Halacha. The folks at this shul take their tradition very seriously, but somehow, some way, they have accepted me into their midst. I’m not Jewish, and I never will be. They know that, and I know that. However, this synagogue is my home. For real. I belong there. I don’t know why. It makes no sense. It doesn’t really matter. I need to be with these people. I feel it in my gut. And they want me there with them. That’s the weird part. They know that I should be there.

Shlomo was there in the shul. Shlomo was the first rabbi that I ever met. He was the perfect person to introduce me to Judaism. He was the rabbi at Lake Park when I first visited there in October of 2009. He was welcoming and tolerant and patient. He is my friend. On Saturday morning, when I walked into the synagogue late (because of Zen and coffee), he greeted me and asked me to sit next to him. That felt good. It felt right.

Shacharit (the morning prayer on Shabbat) is almost entirely said in Hebrew. My knowledge of Hebrew is minimal. I know just enough to listen to the Hebrew that is spoken, and then connect it with the English translation in the siddur. I can follow along with most of the prayers. Some of them I can say with everyone else. It’s strange. My experience with Hebrew prayers is similar to my experience with Korean chants. I understand very little, but I flow with the words and the cadence.  I feel the meaning, even when I can’t think through the verbiage. It all feels right. It all feels true.

After shacharit, we have kiddush at the shul. It’s the Jewish equivalent to Zen coffee. We eat kosher snacks, and we do shots of scotch. We talk about what is important in our lives. We care about each other. We give a damn about people we do not often see. We connect. We are one.

What am I? The Zen answer is: “Don’t know.”

If pressed for more details, my answer is: “Zenjew.”