Frank is Emptiness

April 12th, 2019

I arrived at the Oak Creek Community Center at 7:00 AM on Wednesday. I was expecting to meet Mario from Voces de la Frontera. He told me that we needed to be there very early if we wanted to speak in front of the Joint Finance Committee hearing that was scheduled to start at 10:00 AM. We weren’t the only people there early. There was already a small group of people gathered in front of the building, braving the wind and snow.

A man named Dave stood at the door with a large, yellow notepad. I’m not sure who he is, or what organization he represents. However, he took charge of things. He made a list of people as they showed up. I think he ended up with well over one hundred names. Dave explained to each person that everyone would line up in order at 8:30, at which time, in theory, the community center would be ready to accept us inside. Dave told me that I could hang out in the cold (not my top choice), or I could go have a coffee somewhere, and come back to the center at 8:30.

I went for coffee at a nearby Starbucks with Mario and Deb. Both of them are from Voces. Deb mentioned that she planned on going on a trip to Las Vegas in the near future. I mentioned that I have bad memories from Vegas due to the fact that I was in jail there. Mario wanted to know why I was in jail. I explained that I engaged in civil disobedience during a protest at Creech AFB in 2017. Deb has also been busted at times for CD, but mostly on the behalf of Voces de la Frontera and its immigrant constituency.

Mario told us that he admired us because we were brave enough to be arrested for our beliefs (I am convinced that there is fine line between courage and stupidity, and sometimes those two things are hopelessly intertwined). Mario further explained that he came to the United States from Guatemala, years ago. He remembers the army in Guatemala killing people, even little children, because they were “communists”. He also remembers people, protesters, disappearing…forever. That’s a whole new level of courage for people willing to protest. Yeah, getting busted at a demonstration in the U.S. sucks, but we have no idea of the real costs of standing up to power. I don’t.

We went back to the community center at 8:30. It was still cold and windy as the milling crowd formed a ragged line in front of the building. I found my place between a young man and an older woman in the queue. The younger man was named Allen. He was there to speak about closing the MSDF (Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility). He had been incarcerated there, and the authorities had turned off the water to his cell for 48 hours. The woman behind me was Joyce, the wife of a local Protestant minister. Joyce has been an advocate for the poor for many years. I know that she is has been in jail many times because of her efforts to fight injustice in its myriad forms. We talked for a while, as we slowly shuffled into the center.

I had never been to this kind of hearing before. The people running the meeting issued a pink slip of paper to each person who wished to testify. We each filled out the slip with our name, address, and phone number. Then they filed each slip in the order in which it was received. We were all told that each of us would get a solid two minutes (120 seconds) to speak our piece in front of the committee members. The only exception to that rule was that a group of speakers would get a whole five minutes to plead their case.

The venue for the hearing was small, way too small. The hall filled rapidly, and soon there was standing room only. It became obvious to me that some groups were well organized, the folks from AARP had managed to fill four entire rows in front of the dais. There were also a large contingent from a group that was there to close down MSDF and stop funding for more prisons. Everybody was there on a mission. There were no idle spectators.

I sat with a few other people from Voces. We were there to speak up about getting drivers licenses for all state residents, including those persons who are undocumented. How does that issue affect the state budget? It affects the budget only in a peripheral sense. The fact is that undocumented immigrants work and pay taxes. If they cannot legally drive to work, they won’t work, and they will not pay taxes. That is the tenuous connection between drivers licenses for immigrants and the Wisconsin state budget. It’s a bit of a reach, but it’s all we got.

There were serious players at the hearing. The Milwaukee County Executive spoke to the committee, as did the chairman of the Milwaukee Common Council. There were a lot of suits there (men and women with coats and ties). Money spoke first. It always speaks first.

The first person to give his comments from Voces was Ken. He was using a walker to get up to the microphone. Ken did what he was expected to do. The budget hearings are generally about dollars. Ken had a prepared statement, from which he read. He rattled off numbers to convince the members of the committee that it made economic sense to give undocumented immigrants a license to drive. He paid little attention to the alerts from the timekeeper as he ran through his figures. Eventually, the chairperson asked Ken to end his comments. Ken reluctantly surrendered the microphone to the next speaker.

Others spoke, some eloquently, some not. People got up to ask for more money for schools. People got up to ask for a more equitable sharing of state funding. People got up to talk about conditions in jails and prisons. An older black man spoke softly about his horrendous experience in the MSDF. That cut to the core. AARP spoke about providing assets to allow seniors to stay in their homes. Anything that had to do with money was fair game. That meant that almost any comment was relevant.

I waited anxiously to speak. I wasn’t scared to talk in front of the crowd. That didn’t bother me. I was more worried that I would not get called in time. I needed to take an undocumented immigrant to his court appearance in Jackson at noon. It would have been ironic if I had been unable to speak before the committee, just because I needed to help a person who was the topic of my speech. I waited. I do not wait well.

Deb struggled to compose her two minute speech. She had it all worked out on her phone. She asked for my opinion. That was probably a mistake. To me, it seemed far too long. Like Ken, she had all sorts of facts and statistics. I told her that it looked good, but that she should focus on what she was most passionate about. Speak from the heart.

Time dragged. Dozens of people went up to the mike to talk about their issues. With rare exceptions, they all read from written documents. I understand the need to have something in writing, but those words always seem flat and lifeless when they are spoken. I listened to the speakers and I looked at the glazed expressions of the committee members.

Deb and I were finally called up for the final queue. Deb went first. she did well. She incorporated the experiences of her immigrant ancestors into her brief talk, along with her numbers and facts. Deb spoke clearly and passionately. She spoke well.

I went up shortly after Deb did. I had no notes. I had nothing prepared, except what was already in my mind and my heart. I am by nature an introvert. That is why I am writing to you now. However, I can, at times, speak to others. It is hard for me, but I can do it, sometimes.

I got up and went to the microphone. I said,

“I have no numbers for you. I only have my experiences.

My name is Francis Pauc. I work with the New Sanctuary Movement, and with Voces de la Frontera.

I take undocumented immigrants to their court appearances. I escort them because they need me. These people are scared. I am not their lawyer. I am not their translator. I go with them because I am their friend.

These people are in court almost always for traffic violations. They are there almost always because they are driving without a license. They are driving without a license because the State of Wisconsin won’t give them one. So, why do they drive without a license? They drive because they have to get to work, and there is no public transportation system to get them there. They have to drive. They have to work. They have to pay their bills and support their families.

We are criminalizing them because they are doing what they are supposed to do.

These people pay their taxes. As a byproduct, you will get you revenue.

I am in favor of giving licenses to all Wisconsin residents because it is the smart thing to do.

It is also the right thing to do.”

I did not use my two minutes. I did not need to do that.

I just walked away from the mike. I walked toward the back of the room. Some people smiled and waved. One man shook my hand. Mario gave me a hug.

I don’t know if I made any difference. I don’t care. I did my job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

April 12th, 2019

The boyfriend called us late on Monday afternoon. He was in an utter panic. He had gone to visit the girl at her motel room. She was not okay.

The boyfriend told my wife, “I talked to her on the phone while I was on my way to her place. We were going to hang out together. When I got there, she was already high. I asked, ‘What did you do? Are you huffing aerosols again?’ That wasn’t even five minutes from the time I called her!”

He went on, “I am so done with her! I have tried so hard to help her, and she just can’t keep clean! I don’t know what to do any more.”

The boyfriend kept going on and on like this for several minutes. He is a good man, but he tends to babble. I find that behavior irritating in the best of circumstances, and this was clearly not the best of circumstances. As background, this young woman has been to the ER twice in the last two months because she was found unconscious, because she was huffing keyboard cleaner. That stuff may get you high, but it will also kill you.

Finally, I couldn’t listen to the boyfriend rant about how he didn’t know what to do. I got pissed off and said,

“I know what I am going to do! I’m calling her P.O.!”

I tried to find the phone number for the girl’s probation officer. The boyfriend was still on a roll. My ability to focus was limited by my emotions, so I told him,

“Enough with the conversation! Let me look up the fucking number!”

He got quiet and told my wife, “Well, maybe I will leave guys alone for a while. Uh, I’ll check back later, okay?”

Whatever.

I called the P.O.’s office. A nice lady answered the phone and tried to connect me with the probation officer. I got sent to voice mail. I called the office again, and I told the pleasant receptionist about this girl, and my concern that she was going to die. The woman told me that she would get hold of the P.O., and she did.

Shortly after that, we got a call from the girl. She informed us that she was going directly to jail.

Some time after that, the probation officer contacted me.

The P.O. spoke in a crisp, professional manner. “Mr. Pauc, I am returning your call. The girl is now in custody.”

I sighed, and said, “That’s a good thing.”

She replied, “We will see what further steps we need to take.”

I told her, “I would prefer that she doesn’t die.”

The P.O. said to me, “I believe we share the same goal.”

I shook my head, and sighed again. Then I told the P.O. slowly,

“I am convinced that if she will die if she is on her own.”

There was a pause. The probation officer responded,

“We’ll see what can be done.”

I fought a feeling of impotent anger. I calmed myself and told her,

“Well, I appreciate you returning my call. Thank you for that.”

“You’re welcome. Goodbye.”

I have been wanting to cry ever since then. The girl is in jail, and she is not getting released any time soon. I don’t know what lies in her future. Hopefully, some kind of mental health treatment, but I don’t know that. All i know is that she can’t OD where she is now.

I don’t regret ratting her out. I truly believe that I had to call the probation officer to save this girl’s life. But I still feel dirty. I went behind her back. I broke our trust. At this point, I don’t know if she is even aware that I turned her in. I don’t plan on telling her, not yet anyway. The whole situation makes me sick, physically sick.

I feel like Judas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

April 9th, 2019

Somebody once explained to me what it actually means to “carry one’s cross”. The person who told me about this made a point of differentiating between involuntary and voluntary suffering. This individual made it clear to me that involuntary suffering (e.g. cancer, famine, HIV) is not actually “carrying your cross”. That kind of pain obviously sucks, but a person has no choice in the matter. Voluntary suffering, like when Jesus picked up his cross and walked toward Golgotha, is a very different thing. When a person takes on a burden of their own free will, that is what it means to carry your cross.

Lent is about carrying your cross, whatever that may be. It is about following Christ on the Via Dolorosa. It is about t’shuva, the Jewish idea of turning back to God. It is ultimately about dying. It is about dying to oneself in order to rise up again as something and somebody new. In short, it is painful.

The season of Lent would be relentlessly depressing, if it were not for the fact of the Resurrection. I am not just talking about the resurrection of Jesus. I am talking about the resurrection of everybody. We all go through a series of small deaths during the course of our short lives. We can all rise again. I believe that we all will rise again.

I know that I am not orthodox, and I know that many Christians believe that some people fail the test, and burn in hell. I don’t believe that. I have never believed that. Life is too hard, too cruel, and too ambiguous for anyone to fail. I cannot look at my life, and the lives of others, and think that somebody, anybody, doesn’t make the cut. We all deserve peace and rest after this time on earth. I mean all of us. No exceptions.

A friend of mine recently wrote to me, and said, “I notice that your situation with (a girl) has giving you the opportunity for an arduous Lent. I hope you experience a glorious Easter.”

Amen, brother.

The situation to which my friend refers is with a young woman whom we love, and who struggles mightily with mental illness and addiction. She tries every day to live a meaningful life, despite her challenges. She never gives up. She suffers. We suffer. We try to help her to carry her cross. Sometimes, she falls, and we all fall. When we fall, we learn what love really means. Love means sacrifice. It means action. It means a small death.

I willingly help this young woman carry her heavy cross. I will carry it with her as long as she lives, or I live. I once said that I would go to hell with this girl rather than let her go there alone. I stand by that. I will not abandon her. I will not turn my back.

Will there be an Easter for her? I don’t know.

All I know is that, whatever comes, I will be with her.

 

 

 

April 6th, 2019

This was printed/posted in the Capital Times (Madison, WI) yesterday.

Take it for what it is worth.

“I work with the New Sanctuary Movement. I volunteer to accompany undocumented immigrants to their court appearances. I have escorted immigrants to various county courthouses throughout southeastern Wisconsin. Most of the time, these people have gone to court because they have been stopped for driving without a license. Without exception, these persons have been terrified by the prospect of going to court, primarily because of the possibility that ICE agents will arrest them while they are there. This is not an unreasonable fear. I have seen plainclothes ICE agents in at least one courthouse, and they did take somebody away.

There would be no need for me to accompany these immigrants if only Wisconsin would allow them to have driver’s licenses. Other states do not forbid undocumented immigrants from getting licenses. Why do we do that? These people need to drive, just like everyone else. They have to get to work, to school, to any number of places. They would be safer if they didn’t fear being arrested. We would all be safer if they had licenses and car insurance.

Let’s change the law, and give all Wisconsin residents driver’s licenses.”

 

April 3rd, 2019

I took the Ford Focus to get an oil change. I went to one of those shops where they get you in and out of the garage in about fifteen minutes. Pretty much all they do at this place is quick oil changes. Usually, there is no small talk between the customers and the busy employees. The workers do what they need to do, say what they need to say, and then they send you on your way with a smile. It is almost always polite, professional, and coldly impersonal.

But not this time.

I don’t know the young man’s name. I never bothered to ask him. It is probably better so. He initially struck me as being friendly, but a bit goofy. He greeted me with a toothy grin and quickly went to work on the Focus. I went to the waiting room to wait. Well, that’s what you do in a waiting room.

He came to me after a few minutes with a concerned look on his face.

He asked me, “Is there some trick to starting your car? I thought at first that maybe it was a stick shift, but it’s an automatic. I kept trying to start it, but it wouldn’t go.”

Actually, there is a trick to starting the Focus. The ignition switch is fickle, and a person has to push the key all the way to the left to get the ignition to engage. I explained the trick to him.

The young man smiled, and then he left me and finished his work. He came back into the office to process the bill.

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow we entered into a conversation. I think that he asked how I was. Like a fool, I told him how I was.

I mentioned the fact that I knew a girl who was struggling. I mentioned that she was on probation, and that she generally was in a world of hurt.

He nodded, and said, “You know, I was in that kind of place. How old is this girl?”

I replied, “She’s twenty-eight.”

The young man nodded again and said, “Yeah, she’s my age. I was originally diagnosed with Asperger’s. You know, that’s the highest form of autism. No, I mean it’s the lowest form of autism. Well, whatever. Do you know what I mean?”

I told him, “Yeah, I get it.”

The young man went on, “Well, when I was in school, they pumped me full of all these different drugs. It was bad. I finally told my mom, when I turned eighteen, that I wasn’t going to take these meds any more. She told me, ‘Then I’m throwing you out of the house’. I told her, ‘Okay, then sign the paperwork to emancipate me, and I’m out of here.’ She did that.”

I asked him, “So, it was okay then?”

He deflected the question and asked me, “Is the girl in jail?”

“Not right now, but she’s been there a lot, and she has two years of prison hanging over her head.”

The young guy shook his head and paused for a moment, and then he said, “That’s no good. I did three in and three out. I went into prison at eighteen.”

I asked no questions. I just let it all hang.

I just said, “Jails and prisons don’t do any good. They are just warehouses for humans.”

The oil changer went on, “I was dating this girl. I had just turned eighteen. She was sixteen. We had a party for my birthday. Her dad gave me a carton of cigarettes as a gift. I was still smoking at the time. I thought we were all cool. When I had sex with his daughter, the dad called the cops on me.”

I thought to myself silently, “Sixteen will get you twenty.”

The young man was not nearly done. He told me, “You know, this guy knew that I was with his daughter. What did he expect? I mean, what was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to ask him for permission to screw his daughter? I mean, really, who asks that kind of question?”

I replied, “I never asked that kind of question.”

The young man piped up, “See?! Nobody would ask that shit!”

It got quiet for a moment.

The oil changer looked at me and said, “I hope it all goes okay with this girl.”

“Yeah, I hope so too.”

The young man shook my hand. He said, “Good talking with you.”

I replied, “Yeah, the same here.”

 

 

 

 

 

April 3rd, 2019

I had to dig through some dusty shelves, full of long-forgotten toys, to get at it. I knew it was there. I could see the box. It was on the very top shelf, and I could make out the faded words on its side. Once I cleared away some other things that we should have thrown away years ago, I could finally reach the carton. I felt like an archaeologist. I was playing at being Indiana Jones in my own basement.

The box had been crisp and white at one time. Now it was stained and torn. On the top of the box was picture of a glorious steam locomotive, and there was the name of the manufacturer: “Lionel of New York”.

It was an electric train. Once it was my train. Then it became Hans’ train. Now it might become Weston’s train.

I don’t have many happy memories from my youth. Maybe most other people don’t either. However, the memory of my parents buying me this train is a good memory. They bought it for me in 1967, when I was nine years old. They bought it at a small hobby shop on National Avenue, back when West Allis was a working class, industrial town, and little, family-run stores were common. If I remember right, we walked there from our house to get the toy. It was during wintertime. I think that we were without a car then. Somehow, we got the box home, and my dad set up the train.

My dad loved trains. He especially loved steam locomotives. He despised diesel engines. A diesel engine, because of its size, can be impressive, but a steam engine is something completely different. A steam engine is a thing that is almost alive. It hisses and roars, and its pistons move like the muscles of an athlete. A diesel engine is a domesticated machine. A steam engine is a wild thing.

I took the box upstairs into the kitchen. I opened it up for the first time in how many years? Twenty? Twenty-five? I found the engine and the tender. I found various sections of track, all of them tarnished from decades of neglect. Buried under everything else in the box were yellowed pieces of paper: an instruction sheet for operating the the train, and an order form to request extra parts from the Lionel Company. The order form stated that shipping costs could be as much as fifty cents.

When Hans was little, I set up the train around our Christmas tree. Hans was fascinated by it. He could watch the train go round and round for hours. He loved it. Later, he and I went out to buy new parts for the train. I remember going with to a hobby shop on the north side of Milwaukee to buy more track, or maybe a new car. My memories are sketchy now, but I remember us waiting for the store to open. We sat in the car with raindrops splashing on the windshield. He was so young then, so small.

Hans got older. He wasn’t interested in trains. He became interested in motorcycles, and in the military. We put the train away. He left to live in Texas. He went to war in Iraq. We forgot the things of childhood.

In November of 2018 Hans and his fiancee, Gabi, had a son. Weston is nearly four months old now. He looks a lot like Hans did way back when. I asked Hans if I should bring him his train when my wife and I come to visit him. Hans said, “Yes.” He wants Weston to see the train.

I laid out the track on the kitchen floor. It didn’t seem to fit right. Maybe we had lost some pieces. The transformer was not the original. I can remember the first transformer for the train. I guess it must have gone bad, and Hans and I had bought a a new one. I was worried that the engine would not work at all. When I first got it, the headlight shown, and a person could somehow make it smoke like a real locomotive. Not any more. I just wanted to get the thing to run again.

I put the engine on the tracks. I plugged in the transformer. It turned it on. The engine moved reluctantly, and it barely made it around the oval track. The track needs to be cleaned.

Hans can take care of that.

Weston can watch.

 

 

 

March 31st, 2019

A couple days ago, my youngest son, Stefan, stopped at our house after working fourteen hours at some hellish foundry in West Allis. He is not an employee of the foundry (thank God), but the union sent him there to do some mechanical work to get the foundry’s ancient equipment functioning one last time, before OSHA shut the place down for good. Stefan stood before me: exhausted, incredibly dirty, and bone tired.

Our two dogs barked noisily at him as he came through the door.

I screamed at the dogs, “Shut the fuck up!”

Stefan eyed me warily, and said, “You sound a little grumpy.”

“Yeah, I am. The girl went to jail this afternoon, and your mom and I had to bring home all of her stuff from the motel”, as I waved my hand at a pile of bags and boxes.

Stefan rolled his eyes and walked into the kitchen.

I offered him a beer. He took a swig and winced. He asked me,

“How do you drink this? What’s in it? 8.4% alcohol? Christ, this stuff is brutal.”

I shrugged. “It’s what I got in the house.”

Stefan nodded, and he took another drink. This time it seemed easier.

I asked him, “So, where were you all day?”

He stared at me bleary eyed, and said, “Motor Castings.”

I thought to myself for a moment. I wasn’t sure if that was the same foundry where my grandfather worked for all those years. I couldn’t remember.

Stefan said to me, “What a hellhole. I guess OSHA went in there and did some checks on the maintenance guys there. They all got miner’s lung. They all got an inch of black dust at the bottom of their lungs. I heard that OSHA told the company to fix up a bunch of things, or close down. They are closing down.”

I asked him, “So, why were you there?”

He replied, “Well, the maintenance guys there don’t want to fix the hard stuff, so they go to the union to get guys to crawl under their fucking nasty machines and get them running again. That’s what I was doing.”

“Why do they bother if they are closing down?”

Stefan drank some more. “They have one last job to do for NASCAR. They need the shit to work one more time.”

I said, “I’ve been in foundries before. They are all nasty: dark, dirty, dangerous.”

Stefan nodded. “The only guys who work there are the undocumented, and the guys who are high as hell. With your hard hat pulled low, and dark glasses on, and a scarf around your face, nobody can tell that you’re all fucked up.”

We changed the subject. I told Stefan about the latest, scary developments concerning a girl we love. He shrugged, smiled grimly, and said,

“You almost have to laugh. She made her choices. Things happened. It wasn’t your fault. You’re collateral damage. You just got caught in the line of fire.”

Yeah, I guess so. I don’t like to be labeled as collateral damage. That sounds pathetic.

I asked him, “What are you doing now?”

He sighed. “I’m going home. I need to sleep.”

“You want something to eat?”

“No, I’ll just go.”

“Okay, well, be careful driving home.”

Stefan smiled,”It’s only a ten minute drive.”

I told him, “A lot can happen in ten minutes.”

He said to me, “I got to get something out of your garage. Close the door on it after I go.”

“Okay.”

He got what he needed.

I hit the switch on the garage door opener.

He shouted to me, “Thanks! I love you!”

“I love you too!”

The door closed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 28th, 2019

“I’m only happy when it rains….
I’m only happy when it’s complicated
And though I know you can’t appreciate it
I’m only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
Why it feels so good to feel so sad?
I’m only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are goin’ wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I’m only happy when it rains
I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn’t accidentally tell you that
I’m only happy when it rains
You’ll get the message by the time I’m through
When I complain about me and you
I’m only happy when it rains.”

“I’m Only Happy When It Rains” from Garbage

Her left hand was completely wrapped in gauze. She burned the back of her hand on Friday. I don’t completely understand how she did that. Since then, she has had her hand bandaged up. Karin has been changing the dressing on that hand each morning. I haven’t been involved with that process. That has been between the girl and Karin.

I did get a glimpse of the girl’s hand a couple days ago. My own hand hurt just from looking at hers. It was raw and ugly. A nasty burn. There will be scars.

Scars aren’t always bad. They are proof positive that somebody is a survivor.

I drove the young woman back to her motel room yesterday morning. As usual, she played the Sphinx during most of the ride. When she is nervous, she only gives me name, rank, and serial number. She might answer my questions, but with the absolute minimum of information. I have grown adept at reading between her lines.

As we wound through the streets of Racine, I asked her, “How is the hand?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“Does it hurt?’

“Not really.”

That surprised me. How could that wound not hurt?

I asked her, “Can you move it?”

She replied, “Well, with this on (she pointed to her bandage) not really. Without it, I can pick up things. I can’t close it like I can with my other hand.” She then demonstrated how she could close up her right hand.

I stopped at a light. As it changed to green, she continued to speak,

“The doctor at the emergency room told me that I wouldn’t be able to hold a beer or ride a motorcycle. Neither of those two things are going to happen any time soon.”

I glanced at her. I couldn’t tell if she was smiling or not.

I changed the subject. I told her,

“Last night I went to the VA. I visited with the guys in the psych ward.”

The girl nodded as she stared straight ahead. Years ago, she had gone with me to spend time with the vets at the hospital. She knew that I went there often.

“Well, I sat and listened to one of the vets talk all about his seizures, and about his problems with his doctors. He talked to me for almost half an hour. Then he asked me, ‘So, how long have you been here?’ I told him, ‘About an hour.’ Then the guy asked me, ‘What room are you in? Wow, you just got here! I guess that’s why you are still in normal clothes.’ I told him, ‘Man, I just helped to bring in the snacks. I am not currently a patient.’

The vet seemed embarrassed, and he said to me, ‘I just thought you were here, you know, like us. No offense…’

I told the guy, ‘It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I am glad to talk with you.’ ”

I glanced at the girl. She still stared straight ahead, but she had the faintest trace of a smile on her face.

I laughed and said, “Yeah, I know. You’re not surprised by that at all.”

She gently shook her head in a way that said, “Oh, so typical…”

We listened to the radio. 102.1. “Sounds different.” That’s the slogan for the station.

An old song from Garbage came on: “I’m Only Happy When It Rains”.

I sighed, “Oh yeah…”

The girl told me, “That was my favorite song in kindergarten.”

“I like it too. The singer, she has a great voice. The back up band is really good too.”

The girl replied, “Yeah, they are all from Madison.”

“I thought the singer was from Scotland.”

The girl shrugged, then nodded.

We got to her motel. I helped her to bring her stuff up to her room. The room was dark, even after the young woman turned on a light. Her belongings were scattered in a haphazard way. Disorder reigned.

I told her, “I’ll see you later.”

She stared at me blankly and said, “Okay.”

“Okay.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 25th, 2019

I should have just kept my mouth shut.

I was sitting in the Mocha Lisa Coffee Shop in Caledonia. I like to go there. It’s kind of artsy-fartsy. They have lots of crafts on display, along with other artwork. They even have paintings from my brother hanging on their walls.

I had my mug of black coffee in front of me as I sat down at a table. I had planned to write a snail mail letter. Then a soldier walked past me. I looked him over.

The guy was tall and exceedingly fit. His uniform had all the right badges, and it had been ironed recently. I think he was airborne/ranger. It was obvious to me that he was a lifer, and that he was most likely a recruiter. I was right, on both counts.

He went over to a nearby table, and the regulars asked his about his work, and how he selected new recruits. He explained that guys with neck and/or facial tattoos were not accepted. Also, people with massive holes in their earlobes did not make the cut. I found this a bit odd. Those kind of folks might make excellent killers. In any case, the locals were doing their best to massage his ego.

That irritated me. I am by nature a contrary individual, and I find it difficult to listen to people talk shit. So, I roused myself from my chair and stood facing the Army recruiter. I asked him,

“When you recruit people, do you ever tell them about the costs involved?”

He gave me a funny look (as did everyone else). Then he asked,

“Costs? What do you mean?”

I replied, “Do you tell them what it will cost them to join up?”

He still didn’t get it.

“What are you talking about?”

I sighed. “My son went to Iraq. He killed people. He did not come back right.”

The soldier told me, “That’s dependent on the individual. Each person reacts differently.”

I said slowly, “That…is…not…really…an…answer.”

At this point two women intervened. One of them wore glasses, and she went immediately to the recruiter and said, “THANK YOU for your service! Can I buy you something? A coffee, maybe?”

He shook his head. She scurried away to get him something he didn’t want. However, she also looked at me and said, “And thank you for your son’s service!”

The other woman went up to the soldier, stroked his arm, and gazed at him with something approaching adoration. She also told him breathlessly, “Thank you for your service.”

I asked him, “So, do you explain to them what they are going to experience?”

He answered obliquely, “It’s different with every person. I don’t know what your son experienced. I’ve been in the Army for twenty years. I was in Iraq too. (and I’m all right).”

I told him, “I was in the Army too, way back during the Cold War. I flew Black Hawks.”

I don’t know if the recruiter or anyone else heard me. There was no reaction whatsoever.

The woman with the glasses returned with the recruiter’s coffee, and she gave him the biggest smile this side of heaven.

I continued to speak.  “So, do you tell them that might have to kill somebody?”

He replied, “People enlist for all sorts of reasons. We answer whatever questions they have.”

“What if they don’t even know enough to ask the questions?”

“Well, like I said, people join for all sorts of reasons. Some just want to get their education paid for. Some people come in with a certain idea in their head, and it doesn’t matter what I tell them. It goes in one ear and out the other.”

The woman with the adoring eyes said to the recruiter, “My father fought in Vietnam. He’s on full disability now.”

The recruiter perked up, and said, “Well, he’s being taken care of. People keep saying that we don’t take care of our vets.”

I chimed in, “I go to visit the vets in the psych ward at the VA hospital in Milwaukee every week. They are being cared for, but I want to know if the people who you meet know what they are getting in to.”

The adoring woman rolled her eyes and said, “Do any of us ever know what we’re getting into?”

The soldier told me, “We tell them that there might be trauma.”

The woman spoke again, “Well, we all have trauma. We make decisions and we accept the consequences.”

I butt in, “Okay. I just want to know if these people, especially high school kids, are making informed decisions.”

The recruiter looked me straight in the eye and said, “We talk to them about everything. We talk about deployments, everything.”

At that time, The person who was to meet with the recruiter arrived, and my conversation with him was over. However, somebody else wanted to bend my ear.

The woman with the adoring eyes took me aside.

She told me. “We all have free will. My father went to Vietnam. Your son went to Iraq. They both experience the consequences.”

I replied with pain, “My son sleeps with his AR-15. He can’t sleep without it.”

She nodded and replied, “My dad can’t sleep either. He can’t even go to a 4th of July parade because of the noise. He has no regrets.”

She continued, “The recruiter, he’s just doing his job. He’s chosen to serve his country.”

I asked her, “So, I can’t ask him hard questions?”

The woman replied, “Well, you can ask him hard questions, but it kind of sounded like you were attacking him.”

“Oh?”

She went on, “I felt like I needed to defend him.”

“So, is he a hero?”

She smiled sadly, “I think he’s a hero.”

She said, “We all have free will. We make choices. You did whatever it was you were doing.”

Then she walked off.

I walked back top my table and stared at my coffee cup. I was confused and hurt. I kept thinking of my son, and of the boys in the psych ward. I thought about the costs.

I left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

March 21st, 2019

Karin and I were just about ready to go to church yesterday. We try to go to daily Mass at St. Rita. Usually, we also participate in the morning prayer prior to the liturgy. This is our spiritual practice. Karin is much more consistent and diligent with it. I’m kind of a slacker.

As we were leaving, Karin got a phone call. It was the boyfriend of a girl that we love. I’m not exactly sure if the young man qualifies as a “boyfriend”. His status with the young woman seems to fluctuate. Their relationship is rather fluid. At a minimum, the guy is a good friend to her, a person who really does care about this girl.

The young man was in an utter panic when he called Karin. Karin put him on speaker phone so that I could hear what he had to say. He spoke quickly and emphatically.

He asked my wife, “When was the last time you had contact with her?”

Karin told him that it was during the previous morning. The girl had seemed to be upbeat and in good spirits.

The young man said, “I talked to her right after you did. She was going to take a shower, and then I was going to pick her up after work. We were going to go to dinner, and then hang out.”

He went on, “I got to her motel, and I called her. I didn’t get an answer. Then I texted her, and I didn’t get an answer with that. I knocked on her door. She didn’t answer. Finally, I went to to the manager to see if they would check on her, and they refused to do it. The management told me to call the police. I didn’t want to do that. I stayed there for forty-five minutes, and then I left.”

He continued, “I have been trying to get hold of her again this morning, but I get nothing. I’m at work now. Could you please try to contact her?”

Karin told him that we would.

I had a terrible, sinking feeling. I thought to myself, “She finally did it. We’re going to make a trip to the morgue.”

Karin asked me, “What should we do? Go there? Call the police? Should we call her?”

I replied softly, “Call her.”

Karin did that. No answer. The message went straight to voicemail.

Karin said, “I’ll text her. She never answers calls. She might respond to a text.”

The girl did respond. She told us that she was feeling a little sick. Otherwise, she was fine.

Karin told her to contact her friend, seeing as he was freaking out.

With most people, it’s not a big deal if we can’t reach them. That just happens. With this young woman it’s different. We have over a decade of experience with her health problems and intense drama. When we have been unable to contact her for any extended length of time, it has meant that something really bad was happening.

Karin and I went to church. We were grateful that it was a false alarm, but it was an alarm nonetheless. I don’t recover from these emergencies (real or otherwise) very well any more. I get an emotional hangover. It’s like tearing open a wound that has never quite healed. The most recent incident dovetailed into earlier crises, and I felt all of it again.

Karin and I sat down with some other people in the narthex for the morning prayer. I had to get up after a minute or so, and go into the sanctuary of the church. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t pray. I sat in a pew by myself, and tried to subdue feelings of fear, anger, and sadness. I didn’t how to direct those emotions. They were just there, and they were intense.

A young man named Mike came over to talk with me. Mike is a novice at the church. He is in training to become an Augustinian priest. He is a wonderful person, and he thought that it would be a good idea to wish me a happy birthday. It was my birthday, but I wasn’t feeling it. Not at all.

Mike said, “Hey, Karin tells me that today is your birthday.”

I shrugged.

He looked at me more closely, and asked, “Are you okay?”

“No.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head and looked away from him.

At that point, Mike sensed the Sith energy that was emanating from me. He figured out that I was emotionally radioactive, and he moved away.

Karin came into the pew just before the liturgy started. She gently took my hand.

I wept. As soon as she touched me, the dam broke. It wasn’t a noisy, sobbing kind of thing. It was all silent. I just felt hot, salty tears roll down my cheeks, and I could do nothing to stop them.

After Mass, we went out for breakfast. I still couldn’t focus or listen. We had a decent meal, but I wasn’t really there. To a certain extent, Karin was eating alone.

In Zen we talk about being in the moment. We talk about how the past doesn’t really matter, because it doesn’t exist any more. It does matter. Trauma from the past comes back to join up with any new trauma. I tried to be in the here and now, and failed. It was just too hard.

Are things better? I took the girl to see her probation officer this morning, and it went okay. My anxiety was still there. It will take a while for me to lower my guard with her. Maybe I never will. Maybe I will always be scared with her.

I don’t know.