Tag: family

Coming Full Circle

May 31st, 2025

We took our grandson, Asher, to the May Festival a couple days ago. The May Festival is an annual event put on by the Tamarack Waldorf School. It celebrates the arrival of spring, which in Wisconsin is well-worth celebrating. We live in a climate where it is not unusual for people to wear hoodies on Memorial Day or even well into June. It has only been within the last week or two that all the trees finally have their leaves. When our world suddenly turns a vibrant green it’s definitely party time.

The festival was held in a tiny park a couple blocks from the school. Tamarack is located on Brady Street on the lower east side of Milwaukee. The school really has no green space of its own, so the park is better place to celebrate the annual resurgence of the natural world. There is a small knoll in the park. That is where everyone gathered in a circle at the beginning of the festival. Karin, Asher, and I got there just as the show was about to start. We found a place in the circle. It was an eclectic group: caregivers, little kids, and a few teachers. The school has a diverse population. It even had that twenty-five years ago when our children attended the school. In a way, it felt like we were back home.

One of the teachers led the entire circle in an a cappella version of a Waldorf song. The tune was accompanied by body movements. The teacher had told all the newbies to watch what the older kindergarteners (“the tall pines”) did and just follow their lead. The song was a hymn of praise to nature and springtime. It might have been a bit overly sentimental, but it struck a chord in each person in the circle.

After the song, the kids dispersed to do other activities. The school had set up a station to give each child a temporary tattoo (the logo for the school). There was also a table to get bags of popcorn. There was a place to blow soap bubbles. Most of the children gravitated to the jungle gym. That’s where Asher went.

I stood on the mound and stared at the other families at the gathering. My mind flipped between the present scene and images from a quarter century ago. There was feeling of disorientation and profound sadness. A lot can happen in a family in twenty-five years, and in our family a lot did happen. A kid went to war. A kid got divorced. A kid did time in prison. Those are just the highlights. My mind flickered between memories of our children when they were innocents and the current group of kids playing and laughing in the park where I was standing. So much was different and so much has been lost. I didn’t know what I was doing when I raised our kids. As I watched the children, I asked myself, “Do I know any better this go around?” I have no idea. Then I caught a glimpse of Asher doing exactly what a four-year-old should be doing. I got my balance back.

Karin and I struck up a conversation with a kindergarten teacher who might become Asher’s guide in the fall. We told her a bit about the old days, when this school was just starting. Karin and I were there at the very beginnings of the organization. We didn’t stay long. I couldn’t deal with the chaos and conflicting interests that accompanied the birth of the school. I was an angry and impatient bastard back then, and I was not at all helpful. We homeschooled for three years and then we came back to school after the dust settled a bit.

The teacher was fascinated by our history lesson. Karin drifted off to talk to other folks that she knew. I told the teacher more stories of the school. She seemed interested and I love an attentive audience. I told her about the time I was a chaperon for our youngest son’s class trip to New Orleans. We went there in 2008, three years after Katrina. That was an adventure, but then I am convinced that any visit to New Orleans qualifies as an adventure. The teacher I spoke with had been to “N’aalins” years ago and she fell in love with the town. So, did I. We agreed that the city has a soul, and it teems with both angels and demons.

Later, I found Karin again. She was talking with a young man who had once been a teacher at the school. I didn’t recognize him at first. His hair was thinner, and his middle was thicker. We talked for a while. He remarked that we were back in the school with Asher, and that we had “come full circle”.

That’s not quite accurate. A person never comes full circle. A person may return to a place or to an organization, but that individual comes back different and returns to something that has also changed and has changed forever. We are coming back to Tamarack, but it isn’t the same school. Oh, the school is still in the same building, and the curriculum is pretty much the same, but in some ways, it is alien to us.

I looked at the new parents at the festival and I saw strangers. They have more tattoos and piercings than my generation ever had. They have different views of what it means to be a family. They have different challenges, and they probably can’t understand our struggles. They are bringing new things to an education model that is already a century old. Their children, like our Asher, are entering a world beyond my comprehension.

At the same time, I can see, or better feel, the similarities between these young people and me. We have the same fears. We have the same hopes. We might all become friends. That is my hope and wish. My wife and I are entering the winter of our lives. The other parents are beginning their summers. All of our little ones are laughing and crying in the early springtime of their generation. We have that in common.

Generation Gap

May 26th, 2025

I took Asher to a playground yesterday. My grandson likes to go to a local park that has a sandbox. The sandbox is big enough that he can use his shovel and rake to make roads for his Hot Wheel cars. Occasionally, he buries them and forgets where they are hidden. I expect that some other four-year-old will play archeologist and find the cars later. Fortunately, Asher has a plethora of toy cars, so it’s not a crisis if he loses one.

Asher decided to play on the monkey bars and the swings while we were at the park. Other kids were there at the same time. Another couple my age (old) came to the playground with their young boys. I didn’t pay much attention to them. Then I heard somebody call out my name. I turned away from Asher and noticed a tall, grey-haired gentleman smiling and walking in my direction.

I did not immediately recognize the guy. He greeted me and then I knew him. He didn’t look the way I remembered him, but his voice was the same as it was years ago. He sported a different haircut. His hair was steel grey and brushed back. He wore glasses with black rims. It took me a moment to match the person standing in front of me with the man I worked with over a decade ago.

We talked for a bit as we watched over our grandkids. My friend is caring for his grandsons like I care for Asher, except that his gig was parttime. My wife and I are Asher’s guardians, so he is with us always. My former coworker is responsible for his grandchildren every other weekend. That’s still a big commitment.

My friend made some small talk, and then he mentioned his son. I had met his son once a long time ago. From what I remembered, his boy had issues with drugs. I didn’t want to ask the guy any questions about that, but he brought the subject up on his own.

The man told me this about his son, “He passed away a couple year ago, back in 2022. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was shot and killed.”

Ow.

How does a father deal with that? My dad buried two of his sons. He never got over it. One of my brothers died in a freak car accident. The other died of a heart attack. But how does it feel when a child dies due to an act of violence? How does a parent come to terms with the fact that a son or daughter has been killed by someone else?

One answer to that question is that the parent cares for the survivors, or as my friend calls them, “innocent victims”. The grandparent fills the void left by the absence of their own child by taking responsibility for the children of that son or daughter. There is a generation gap, and somebody needs make it whole.

As I think about it, I have come to realize how common this situation is. My friend and I are not the only grandparents, or older people, caring for small children. I had a friend from a Bible study group who was caring for her grandson. The boy’s parents were addicts and abandoned their son. The grandmother died relatively young from cancer, and her husband adopted the young man. I have a younger brother who is raising a little boy with his wife. The lad is the grandnephew of my brother’s wife. His biological parents are both dead. My brother and his wife adopted the little guy.

There are any number of reasons why a kid’s parents might be absent. Some reasons are dramatic, some not. Sometimes the absence is temporary, sometimes it’s permanent. Regardless, the child needs someone to provide love and protection. That may mean that an elder has to raise another generation.