jesus – Frank is Emptiness

Prayer

December 31st, 2025

“No, you can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
And if you try some time, you find
You get what you need” – from the Rolling Stones

I have a thin, yellowed strip of paper that I keep on top of my bedroom dresser. On it is written,

“July 2, 2019 Ernesto Martinez + Lawyer”

I was given this scrap of paper back in the fall of 2019. I was in Ciudad Juarez in Mexico, just across the border from El Paso. I was visiting two missionaries there with a Catholic group. We were in Juarez to learn more about the migrants and the situation on the border. Things were bad then, and I am sure that they are worse now. Father Peter and Sister Betty had been living in a tiny house in the Anapra neighborhood serving the local population. These two missionaries were elderly, and they experienced the same level of poverty and insecurity that their friends did. I had then, and I still have, great admiration for both of them. They were not just preaching the Gospel. They were living the Gospel.

Violence in Ciudad Juarez was endemic. The locals lived with it day in and day out. Betty and Peter had a wall in their backyard covered with names of persons who had been murdered by gangs. There were hundreds of names. It was the custom of these two missionaries to offer the names of the dead to visitors in hopes that the folks who came to their humble home would pray for the deceased. I picked out Ernesto Martinez.

I pray for him, maybe not every day, but often. It’s strange. I know almost nothing about the man other than his name, occupation, and date of death. I guess that’s enough. God knows all the rest of his story. Why do I pray for him? Honestly, I don’t know. I do it partly because of the love and respect I feel toward Father Peter and Sister Betty. I do it because maybe nobody else remembers Ernesto. I do it because it feels right.

Do my prayers actually help Ernesto Martinez? I have no idea. This is an act of faith. I believe that all prayers have an effect, but how that works is beyond me. It is my experience that I often don’t get what I pray for. I usually keep my prayers simple and vague. I ask God to give somebody what they need and then let the omniscient deity decide what that is. If the intention behind my petition is pure and based on love, then something will come of it. I just don’t know what that could be.

I am convinced that the main effect of prayer is to transform the heart of the pray-er. That has also been my experience. If I pray for the wellbeing of another sentient being, then it changes me. If I pray for Ernesto Martinez, it may not do him much good. He is a martyr and is probably already at peace. He may not need my prayer. However, I might need to send it for the sake of my own soul.

Ernesto, pray for me.

Incarnation

December 24th, 2025

Karin, Asher, and I attended the Christmas Vigil Mass at St. Rita’s yesterday evening. Asher went with some reluctance. We had to threaten him with a loss of possible Christmas gifts to get him to go. Karin, being a German, has been telling Asher that “Christkind” (the Christ child) won’t bring him presents unless he is a good boy, which means he needs to be at church to celebrate Christkind’s birthday. Asher was fine once we got there. Upon our return home, he was happy to learn that Christkind kept his part of the bargain.

I was uneasy during Mass. A lot of people were in the church. I am certain that the increased attendance was because of families coming together to worship. Our own family is fractured, so only the three of us were at Mass. The Christmas service is designed to stimulate love and joy. For some of us, the music, decorations, and ritual of the celebration only highlight an intense feeling a grief.

The deacon offered the prayers of petition to the congregation. One prayer hit home. The deacon told the parishioners,

“For those who have difficulty with Christmas, may they see how much God really loves them.”

He was talking to me there. I always struggle with Christmas. Karin knows this and she doesn’t expect a lot from me. Christmas comes with a lot of baggage. My version of the ghost of Christmas past likes to conjure up painful memories. The ghost of Christmas present doesn’t offer much to inspire me, and the ghost of Christmas future shows me a blank screen. I don’t enjoy Christmas as much as I endure it.

The priest preached about the Incarnation, which is what the holiday is all about. “The Word was made flesh and dwelt among us.” The whole notion of God taking human form is astounding. There is a laser like focus on the birth of Jesus, which is completely understandable, but also a bit unfortunate. The priest did say that one reason for God becoming human was to allow humans to be more like God. We have the opportunity to share in that divinity.

Why do we love the image of the Christ child? What is so attractive about the crèche? Why do we want to hold the baby Jesus in our arms, and have God hold us as well?

Asher is asleep in bed right now. I held him until he dozed off. He cuddles up to me for security and warmth. When I hold him, I hear his breath and feel his heartbeat. Asher brings me closer to God. When I have Asher in my arms, I am embracing the Christ child as well.

William Wordsworth wrote,

“Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home.”

We love small children because they are still so close to God. Even a five-year-old like Asher trails clouds of glory. He still exudes love and joy, not all the time, but enough. His birth is part of the Incarnation of Jesus.

Another English poet, William Blake, contemplated that essence of divinity within each person. He was once questioned about it by a scholar named Crabb Robinson.

Crabb Robinson reported: “On my asking in what light he (William Blake) viewed the great question concerning the divinity of Jesus Christ, he said, ‘He is the only God;’ but then he added, ‘And so am I and so are you.’”

Blake may have taken that a bit too far, but he was essentially right. We all have a piece of God within us. In the East, they would refer to that as Buddha nature. St. Francis of Assisi embraced the leper because he recognized God within that suffering individual. Dorothy Day saw Christ when she served the poor and the homeless. There is that divine spark in every person. In my case, I’ve buried it pretty deep, but it still flickers. It’s still there.

Any child born at any time anywhere shares in the Incarnation of Christ. True, Jesus was born two thousand years ago in a backwater of the Roman Empire. But he’s still being born now, each and every moment.

I look at Asher and I know that. Then I rejoice.

Empty Seats

December 12th, 2025

I took Asher to Mass last Sunday morning. My wife was not feeling well, so she stayed home. Asher usually balks at going to church, but twice a month Miss Jenny offers “Liturgy of the Word for Children” during the service. Her program is a Bible lesson for the little kids about the scripture readings that are being proclaimed during the Mass. She apparently makes the session fun, because our grandson is eager to be with her and the other children. I like it because for a few minutes I can focus on the Mass as opposed to watching whatever mischief Asher is making.

When the priest called for the children to come forth and meet up with Miss Jenny, I noticed once again how few kids were in the church. The weather that morning was bad, so some families probably stayed home to avoid the snow-covered roads. But still, there were only a handful of children at the Mass. Of those in attendance only six kids went to Jenny’s program. Six kids. That’s pathetic, and it’s a bit scary.

Keep in mind that the vast majority of the people going to the one and only Sunday service at our parish is old. I am a mere stripling compared to some of the other parishioners. There are very few families at Mass even on nice days. I make a habit of counting the number of children when we go to church. Generally, there are maybe a dozen. That’s it.

The scary part is that this small group of children represents the future of our church. The upshot is that there really isn’t a future there. In ten years, most of the people in the pews will be dead. There is not a new generation coming up to replace them. There will be a lot of empty seats. Even now, our parish is in the process of combining operations with three other parishes. That is partly due to a lack of priests, but also due to a vanishing flock. It’s just a matter of time before the whole congregation folds up and the doors of the church are permanently locked.

Our parish is not unique. Most churches lack young people in their ranks. I am not entirely sure why that is. It is clear to me that the Catholic Church in our country does not meet the spiritual needs of the new generations. My wife and I did everything we could to raise our three children to be Catholics. Maybe in some sense they are, but none of them go to Mass. Our kids are good people, but they can find nothing of value in the sanctuary. It makes me sad, truly sad.

I take comfort in the fact that the Church has survived and often thrived during the last two thousand years. The history of the Church is one of cycles: vitality, decay, and then renewal. I just finished reading a science fiction novel about a time in the future when the Church is moribund but suddenly discovers a new way of fulfilling its mission. There are growth and strength in the Church elsewhere in the world. Sub-Saharan Africa and parts of Asia come to mind. For instance, our pastor is from India. In America and Europe, the faith is faltering. That does not mean it’s dying. Or if it is dying, that just means there will be a rebirth, something new and unexpected.

There will be a resurrection. There always is.

WITS

September 7th, 2025

My friend, Ken, took me to WITS yesterday for the first time. WITS is the acronym for Wisconsin Institute of Torah Study. We walked there early on Shabbat to participate in Shacharit, the main religious service for the day. WITS is a yeshiva; in this case it’s kind of a Jewish prep school. Most of the students are of high school age. There are also some post-high school programs at WITS. According to the website, students come from all over Canada and the Midwest of the United States. This means that these young people live at the yeshiva as well as studying there.

By the way, the school is exclusively male.

That fact is obvious from the moment a person walks through the front door. I don’t know how to exactly describe it, but a place that allows only men and boys to be there tends to have a severely masculine vibe to it. I’m not talking about macho, although that might be part of this particular culture. I only got a glimpse into this world. However, in a universe defined by yin and yang, an organization like WITS is all yang.

I’m at an age where something new always reminds me of something old. WITS reminds me of two other places: Subiaco Abbey in Arkansas and the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York. I’ve spent time at both of those places, but mostly at West Point. I only visited Subiaco a few times, but I studied at West Point for four years. Subiaco Abbey runs a Catholic prep school, and West Point is an institution to train Army officers. Both Subiaco and USMA deal primarily with the education of boys on the cusp of manhood. Subiaco, like WITS, has an entirely male population. West Point started allowing women to join in 1976 when I first showed up there. Still, West Point is a majority men’s school. Only 24% of the student body is currently female. Fifty years ago, the percentage was much less.

The architecture at WITS bears a striking resemblance to the structures at Subiaco and West Point. The buildings are massive stone constructions. There is a heaviness at all three locations: the weight of long tradition. A sense of solidity and physical strength. There is a feeling of permanence. When a person arrives at any of those three campuses, they get the impression that these institutions have always been there, and they always will. The buildings seem to be both schools and fortresses, and maybe they are.

The synagogue at WITS looks like a study hall, which of course it is. The ark for storing the Torah scrolls is at the far end of the hall. The bimah, the table where the scrolls are laid for the reading of the parsha, is in the center of the room. The rest of place is filled with tables and chairs, and books. There are books everywhere. Somehow, when I first walked into the hall, it reminded me of a mosque. I’m not sure why. Mosques are places of study, and the main halls are only for men. Also, both mosques and synagogues eschew most visual art. In particular, images of human beings are shunned. A mosque may have calligraphy and geometric designs. This synagogue had stained glass pictures, but there were no renderings of people.

Ken and I sat at a table, and I looked at the stained glass. One picture immediately caught my eye. Actually, the Hebrew writing is what I noticed. Under an image of an olive tree was written אשר, which translates to Asher, the name of my little grandson. I have only a minimal understanding of Hebrew, but I figured out that the series of pictures on the wall all referred to the twelve tribes of Israel. Each image was a symbol for a tribe. The easiest one to identify was יוסף, Joseph, because it was a picture of his coat of many colors. After a struggle with my memory of the Hebrew alphabet, I recognized Gad, Dan, Benjamin, and Issachar.

During the service, the prayers were said rapidly, way too fast for me to follow. I have been going to Shacharit services for a long time, but at the old synagogue, things were done at a more leisurely pace. At WITS everybody is fluent in Hebrew, so they run with it. Most of the time I knew where we were at in the service, but often I just sat and listened to other people pray. Sometimes, words get in the way of prayer. I have found that listening to others pray in languages I don’t quite understand, like Latin or Arabic or Japanese, brings me closer to God than if I could comprehend the meaning of what is said. Just hearing the sound of Hebrew is a blessing to me. I love the language, although I cannot explain why.

The boys and young men in the synagogue were all in uniform. That was another throwback to my past life. They all wore dark suits with white shirts and ties. They all wore black fedoras. Their tzitzits stuck out from under their shirts. Maybe they were dressed up for Shabbat. I think they are a bit more informal during the week. Also, they were all cleanshaven, even though many of them could have sported beards. When I was a cadet at West Point, I was always cleanshaven. It was a rule.

Why wear uniforms? It is a way of maintaining discipline. I looked at the boys and I tried to remember what I was like back then. I’m sure that they are generally well-behaved, but they are teenagers. How much time do they spend on pondering the wonders of the Torah, and how much time do they spend pondering the mysteries of other gender? I was probably sitting in room full of devout young men with raging hormones.

At one point, I noticed a little boy standing near to us. He was Asher’s age, or maybe a bit older. The boy had sandy hair partially covered by his kippah. He was dressed in a suit like the older boys. The lad was looking confusedly at an open siddur. He seemed uncomfortable as I watched him. That’s understandable as I seldom smile. I suspect he was the son of one of the rabbis and was coerced into being at the service. He was probably eager for the prayers to end so that he could run around and raise hell like any other little boy.

The rabbis sat up front. They all had beards. Each one wore his tallis, his prayer shawl, over his head as he prayed. Each one nodded as he prayed. Some of them had their eyes closed. It felt like they were with us but also somewhere else.

There were many prayers during the service where each individual was praying more or less on his own. At those times, the spoken prayers were like a murmur in the background, audible but not necessarily understandable. At other times, the boys and men suddenly prayed loudly in unison, and that was like the roar of waves of the sea crashing against rocks on the shore. The prayers were powerful, and for me, deeply moving.

The service lasted for two hours. The time went by quickly. There was much that I did not understand.

I will have to go back again.

Martyrdom

August 17th, 2025

“In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point on shedding blood.” – Hebrews 12:4

The priest gave a homily (sermon) today based on the verse from the letter to the Hebrews that is shown above. Our pastor is originally from India and wanted to talk about Christians in various parts of the world whose lives are in danger because of their faith. He mentioned that there are some parts of India where being identified as a Christian can be life-threatening. He seemed to indicate that he had some personal experience with that kind of persecution. I would suppose that under Modi’s Hindu centric regime threats against any non-Hindu group would be common.

Our pastor emphasized that numerous Christians have in recent years chosen death before renouncing their faith. He summed up his sermon by pointedly asking the members of the congregation what they would do in such a situation. Would they abandon their religion or would they become martyrs. A “martyr” is by definition a “witness”. That is the original meaning of the word. So, a martyr is one who bears witness.

I had to think about the priest’s question. I feel like his choice is simplistic. So, what would I do if somebody was ready to kill me? The answer is, “I don’t know.” I have trouble even imagining that scenario. I doubt that, if I was threatened with death for being a Christian, I would raise my eyes to the heavens and make a noble and inspiring profession of faith. It is more likely that I would tell the persecutor to fuck off and let him or her do their job. Or maybe, I would tell them whatever they wanted to hear. I really don’t know what I would do, and I don’t want to find out.

I thought some more about it and, if somebody was ready and willing to kill me for my beliefs, I would probably first think about Asher, my little grandson. I would be asking myself, “Who will care for the boy if I die?” It’s one thing to surrender my life if I have no responsibilities toward others. It’s whole different matter if my grandson would be an orphan if I chose the martyr’s route.

Taking the thought experiment a step further, “What would I do if the persecutor told me, ‘Abandon your faith in Christ, or I’ll blow this kid’s head off’?” I am pretty sure that I would give up my religion to save Asher.

Jewish tradition deals in depth with the reality of martyrdom. Jews have lots of experience with that. The rule for Jews is that they should forfeit their lives if the alternative means committing idolatry, sexual immorality, or murder. To die instead committing those sins is kiddush hashem, meaning ‘sanctification of God’s name”. In all other cases, a Jew should do whatever is necessary to stay alive. Historically, during forced conversions, many Jews allowed themselves to be killed, others committed suicide, and some renounced Judaism to save themselves and their families. The rabbis and the scholars are divided on what is the best course of action.

The question that comes to my mind is: “What is more important? Dying for your faith or living it? Or are they two sides of the same coin?”

Scenes in religious movies usually show martyrdom in a heroic and dramatic fashion. The images are violent and bloody. People literally go out with a bang. What films don’t show are the people who give up their lives a little bit at a time. I know loving individuals who care for sick or disabled family members, and they do this work for years or decades. These folks are giving away their lives as a trickle of blood, a few drops every day until there is nothing left. They may not get recognized for it, but theirs is a slow-motion martyrdom. They die for God in the service of others. They will never get into a stained-glass window, but they are sacrificing just as much as the person who has “Jesus” on their lips just before they get a bullet in the head.

These people also bear witness.

Pray Boldly!

July 27th, 2025

The three of us went to Mass this morning, like we do almost every Sunday. Karin, Asher, and I sat in a pew near the altar at the front of the church. We always sit there. Asher needs to see what is going on during the liturgy. We brought along some things to keep Asher busy during the Mass: snacks for him to eat and crayons for him to draw. Karin and I want to get something out of the service, so we do what we can to make sure our four-year-old grandson does not become bored and restless. He does anyway, but we have to try.

The priest who celebrated the Mass was relatively young. He was enthusiastic and clearly loved the old school ritual. This priest is new to our parish. He’s only been with our congregation for five weeks, which is not enough time to get to know hardly anyone. He definitely knew nothing about our family when the service started. Things were different by the end of Mass.

My wife and I are raising our grandson. We are his legal guardians, and we have an open-ended commitment to care for him in a fulltime capacity. We expect to be involved in his growth and development as long as we live. Asher is a wonderful little boy, but he is a little boy with a plethora of needs. Caring for him is an all-consuming endeavor. We haven’t had a day off since he got out of the NICU at the end of 2020. Things may change, but for right now, Karin and I are his sole support. The responsibility is at times intense, at least for me.

In addition to that, we also have other crises that flare up. I find it all difficult to handle. It’s overwhelming. They say that God never gives you more than you bear, and I have found that to be utter nonsense. I have known people to be crushed like Job by their burdens. I often wonder if God cares. The evidence of his love and mercy seems kind of iffy.

The priest gave a homily (sermon) at Mass about the power of prayer. One of the scripture readings was from the Book of Genesis. It was the part where Abraham haggles with God for the lives any innocent people in Sodom and Gomorrah. I’ve always liked that passage. Abraham had chutzpah. Somehow, the priest tied that Bible reading to the topic of prayer. He used the story of Abraham as an example of a person praying with confidence. In fact, he exhorted us,

“Pray boldly!”

One thing he mentioned was that congregants sometimes approached him saying that they were angry with God. He would always ask them ,

“So, have you told God about this?”

The point was that God already knows if you are angry with him, and He apparently can deal with that. God doesn’t necessarily want somebody to flatter him. He wants a person to be completely open and honest in prayer. He wants a relationship more than anything else. Relationships can be rocky.

The priest spoke about other aspects of prayer, but his words concerning honesty and authenticity resonated with me. I don’t recite long, involved prayers. I cut to the chase. For a long time, I have been angry with God. Mostly, I have upset that innocents suffer, that kids like Asher suffer. I don’t mind him hurting me that much. I’m an asshole, so I probably deserve it. But why allow kids in Gaza to starve? Why let children in Ukraine get killed? That sort of thing pisses me off.

After Mass, I approached the priest to talk about prayer. He was busy gladhanding congregants. I don’t think he wasn’t expecting somebody to actually talk to him about his sermon. He gave a great sermon, and I really did listen to it. I suspect priests sometimes assume that everybody in church suffers from amnesia as they head for the parking lot.

I had Asher with me. I tried to quickly explain our situation and what a struggle it is. He listened. I said to him,

“Regarding prayer, my prayer to God is simple: ‘Stop fucking with me and give me the strength to do this.”

I am sure he thought I was unhinged. I probably am. So be it. I spoke from the heart.

He looked at me and said, “Keep praying! Reach out to me if you want to talk.”

Pray boldly.