Tag: loneliness

October 10th, 2025

I visited a guy from Dryhootch yesterday. The man’s name is Levi and he works at Dryhootch, which is a veteran’s organization headquartered in southeastern Wisconsin. The group runs a number of coffee houses catering to vets in the Milwaukee area and in Madison, Wisconsin. They also operate a peer support network for veterans. Running peer support is Levi’s main responsibility, and it is a huge one. I offered to write an article about Dryhootch, and Levi convinced me to wait a bit. He wants me to go through their peer support training before I write about Dryhootch’s mission. That makes sense. The truth is that I don’t yet know enough about what the organization does to write a competent essay. So, this piece that I am scribbling now is not about Dryhootch. It is about a long and thought-provoking conversation I had with Levi in his office.

Levi plans to eventually massage our chaotic discussion into a coherent podcast. I wish him luck with that. We covered a wide range of topics that may or may not have a common theme. During the course of our chat, we talked about the struggle that veterans have transitioning from the military to civilian life. Levi remarked that there was a sense of loss for the veterans. He went on to say,

“A vet grieves, and he grieves alone.”

That hit me hard. I had never really thought of leaving the service as being cause for intense grief, but now I see it that way. There truly is a loss involved when a person departs from the military. The veteran may grieve for a number of things. It may be the loss of their youth and innocence. It might the loss of their health. It may be the loss of good friends. Relationships built up over many years may be sundered. Yes, I can see how a veteran may need to grieve, and now in retrospect, I see that I spent years grieving without even realizing it.

In conjunction with our discussion of grief, Levi and I also talked about the idea of a “tribe”. What is a tribe? It’s hard to say. Indigenous peoples often live as tribes. Street gangs can be considered to be tribes. I had a good Jewish friend who often referred to his religious community as “the tribe”. The best source of information about the subject is a book written by Sebastian Junger that is appropriately called Tribe. It’s a short book and a quick read. However, Junger makes some excellent points in it.

From my reading of Junger’s book, a tribe is a group of people who totally depend on each other for survival. The tribe is more important than any individual. There are no loners in a tribe, because they generally don’t live very long. A member of a tribe is responsible for the wellbeing of every other member. There is absolute trust between individuals in the community. There has to be. In addition, a tribe has rules and values that only apply to tribal members. These mores have no bearing on the lives people outside of the group. In fact, these regulations and customs are often unintelligible to anyone on the outside. This particular way of life within the tribe only makes sense to the person inside of the magic circle.

The military qualifies as a tribe. That seems obvious to me. I never fought in a war, but if a soldier did, like my oldest son, Hans, then he was definitely part of a tribe. His life and the lives of his comrades depended on the success of the tribe. They had to have each other’s backs all the time. That sort of experience builds an unbreakable bond of trust. It is something sacred.

I was an Army aviator during peace time. My work was by definition dangerous, although not as hazardous as being in combat. Even for me, my experience was that of a tribal member. When flying, I depended on the competence of my copilot and the crew chief, not to mention being dependent on the mechanics who maintained the helicopter and the troops in the III/V platoon who fueled the aircraft. Likewise, any troops that we transported in the helicopter put their lives in our hands. In order to perform a mission successfully and safely, we all had to rely on each other. We were a tribe.

Going back to grief, so why does a veteran grieve? He or she grieves because they have lost their tribe, and that means they have lost their community. For whatever reason, they have left the service and have entered the civilian world, which is a world with alien values and customs. In the civilian world there often little trust and it is seldom that anybody has your back. How can that transition be anything but traumatic? Suddenly a person is no longer part of a cohesive team. Instead, they are in a cutthroat culture that worships individualism. A veteran may be glad to be rid of the military madness, but they still have reason to feel a profound loss.

So, why does a veteran grieve alone? It’s because there are so few of us. Who can we talk to about our loss? Who can we find who gets it? Often, there is no one. We wander alone in a strange world, and we shut down. That’s the tragedy of it all. The drugs and violence and suicide all stem from that isolation. I’m convinced of it.

I will talk to Levi more often. At some point, I will write about Dryhootch, but only when I understand it.