Tag: love

Do the Right Thing, if There is One

June 24th, 2025

“And I divvied up my anger into 30 separate parts
Keep the bad shit in my liver, and the rest around my heart
I’m still angry at my parents, for what their parents did to them
But it’s a start” – from Growing Sideways by Noah Kahan

Sometimes people like to talk about making a fresh start. I don’t think that such a thing is possible. We are always in the middle of a story, one that has been going on for decades or millennia or even longer. When somebody comes into the physical world as an infant, he is she is not a tabula rasa. That person already carries the history of all life in their DNA. Every human arrives as a unique version of a history book. We are never at the beginning, and we are never at the end.

As Faulkner wrote, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”

I have spent the last couple weeks fighting with ghosts and inadvertently wounding the living. The evil that I have done or that others did a quarter century ago has come back to the forefront, and there has been hell to pay. I am not done paying, not by a long shot.

There are three people whom I love dearly. They hate each other. I cannot help one of them without hurting the others. I found that out quite clearly a few days ago. I had to make a decision to do something that was essential for the health and wellbeing of one of the three. I knew when I made the decision that it would devastate one of the others. I also knew that more individuals, outside of those three I mentioned, would be affected negatively. It was, and still is, an impossible situation. It makes me angry.

I think about the story in Genesis when Abraham haggles with God to get Him to show mercy to the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah. As God is planning to nuke those two cities, Abraham asks Hashem,

“Should not the judge of all the world act with justice?”

I have a similar question. If God wants me to do the right thing, then why put me in a position where there is no right thing?

I am at a point where I do not ask, “How can I make things better?” I ask, “How can I keep from making things even worse?”

I am blind to many things. I understand the consequences of my actions far too late. I have made people angry with me. They’re right to be angry. Maybe I am right to be angry too. At some point I will apologize and try to make amends, but not now. I’m not sorry yet, or not sorry enough.

Everybody is wounded. We all bear the scars of the past, and as long as we live, the sins of the past live within us. The good that was done to us or for us lives there too. It helps if I can see the suffering of others. I may still harm them, but perhaps not as much.

Sometimes, I am tempted to despair. But that is a luxury I cannot afford. Too many people depend on me. My wife needs me. Our grandson, Asher, needs me. I have to keep going.

For them.

Generation Gap

May 26th, 2025

I took Asher to a playground yesterday. My grandson likes to go to a local park that has a sandbox. The sandbox is big enough that he can use his shovel and rake to make roads for his Hot Wheel cars. Occasionally, he buries them and forgets where they are hidden. I expect that some other four-year-old will play archeologist and find the cars later. Fortunately, Asher has a plethora of toy cars, so it’s not a crisis if he loses one.

Asher decided to play on the monkey bars and the swings while we were at the park. Other kids were there at the same time. Another couple my age (old) came to the playground with their young boys. I didn’t pay much attention to them. Then I heard somebody call out my name. I turned away from Asher and noticed a tall, grey-haired gentleman smiling and walking in my direction.

I did not immediately recognize the guy. He greeted me and then I knew him. He didn’t look the way I remembered him, but his voice was the same as it was years ago. He sported a different haircut. His hair was steel grey and brushed back. He wore glasses with black rims. It took me a moment to match the person standing in front of me with the man I worked with over a decade ago.

We talked for a bit as we watched over our grandkids. My friend is caring for his grandsons like I care for Asher, except that his gig was parttime. My wife and I are Asher’s guardians, so he is with us always. My former coworker is responsible for his grandchildren every other weekend. That’s still a big commitment.

My friend made some small talk, and then he mentioned his son. I had met his son once a long time ago. From what I remembered, his boy had issues with drugs. I didn’t want to ask the guy any questions about that, but he brought the subject up on his own.

The man told me this about his son, “He passed away a couple year ago, back in 2022. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was shot and killed.”

Ow.

How does a father deal with that? My dad buried two of his sons. He never got over it. One of my brothers died in a freak car accident. The other died of a heart attack. But how does it feel when a child dies due to an act of violence? How does a parent come to terms with the fact that a son or daughter has been killed by someone else?

One answer to that question is that the parent cares for the survivors, or as my friend calls them, “innocent victims”. The grandparent fills the void left by the absence of their own child by taking responsibility for the children of that son or daughter. There is a generation gap, and somebody needs make it whole.

As I think about it, I have come to realize how common this situation is. My friend and I are not the only grandparents, or older people, caring for small children. I had a friend from a Bible study group who was caring for her grandson. The boy’s parents were addicts and abandoned their son. The grandmother died relatively young from cancer, and her husband adopted the young man. I have a younger brother who is raising a little boy with his wife. The lad is the grandnephew of my brother’s wife. His biological parents are both dead. My brother and his wife adopted the little guy.

There are any number of reasons why a kid’s parents might be absent. Some reasons are dramatic, some not. Sometimes the absence is temporary, sometimes it’s permanent. Regardless, the child needs someone to provide love and protection. That may mean that an elder has to raise another generation.