March 23rd, 2017
That’s how I woke up this morning. The furnace clicked on just before 6:00 AM, and the dog rattled the tags on her collar (she does that when she needs to go out). It was just barely getting light outside, and I needed to make sure that Stefan got up in time to make it to his welding class. I needed to make his smoothie. My heart raced and I needed to piss. I kept thinking, “Okay, I’m awake now. All that shit is gone.” That doesn’t mean that all that shit wasn’t real.
I had green dreams last night. I dreamt about the Army all night long. These were dreams that told me about who I was, and who I am now, and maybe what could have been. I dreamt about looking for Hans. I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find him. I needed his help,. I was supposed to clear bad guys out of a building, and kick in a few doors. I finally found Hans. He looked like did when he was a kid. He smiled at me. He told me not to worry, and that he would help me kill people. We would be okay.
The scene changed. I was seated in a crowd of people. They were listening to somebody talking about how wonderful the Army is. Everybody around me looked like extras from M.A.S H. I could recognize the various actors. They looked older, and they all stood up and applauded. Everybody cheered, except for me. I was surrounded by fatigue uniforms and smiling faces.
The scene changed again. I was supposed to report to my new unit. They wanted me to fly again. I couldn’t find my uniforms. I couldn’t find my insignia. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t want to go back. I knew that I was supposed to fly a night mission, and I couldn’t remember how to fly at night. I felt utter panic.
The furnace clicked on. The dog rattled her tags. I pulled myself to a sitting position on the bed and said to myself, “Goddamit! JesusfuckingChrist!” I breathed. “Okay. I’m here. Stefan needs to get up soon. It’s okay.”
Somehow it’s not okay. I’m crying now, and I don’t know why.