How not to Comfort Someone

July 4th, 2025

There are times when I or somebody I know struggles mightily with a problem. The person who is hurting might be sad or angry or a combination of the two emotions. How do I comfort them? How does somebody console me when I am in a bad place? That depends on a lot of things.

For me to encourage another individual requires that I know the person, at least somewhat. The better I understand them, the better I can act in a way that is helpful. Over the years, I have learned that there are some things that are often counterproductive. I have also discovered that I can sometimes make a huge difference.

I try not to give advice. My experience has been that most people do not want it, even though it might be useful in their situation. I have almost never wanted advice when I was in a bad way. I just wanted to be heard. I am convinced that is what most people want and need when they are wounded. They want another person to listen to them, really listen. If I truly listen to the story of somebody’s pain, then I can decide how to respond. Listening is the first and essential step.

I try not to fix things, even when the temptation is strong. I am by nature a problem solver, at least when I am not actively creating more problems. However, fixing a problem for someone else is not necessarily helping them. It is better if I can give the person the resources to solve a problem on their own. I have learned the hard way that some things cannot be fixed. Death is one of those things. Sometimes, the only response is to grieve withe person for what is lost.

I try not to give glib or inauthentic responses to somebody else’s pain. Nothing pisses me off as much as when somebody tells me, “You are always in our prayers.” Depending on the person saying that, those words might be true and heartfelt. However, I am convinced that once in a while those words translate to, “I’m saying this to get you to shut up. I’m tired of listening to your bitching.”

It also bothers me that, when I am exhausted and at wits end, someone tells me, “Stay strong!” No shit. What do you think I have been trying to do? It’s not like I have an untapped reservoir of strength available. The individual exhorting me to be strong no doubt wants to be encouraging, but sometimes that just infuriates me instead.

Sometimes, a person tells me about their suffering, and I simply cannot comprehend the depth of their pain. Their experience is beyond my understanding. At that point, I might tell them, “I don’t know what to say.” That’s okay. It’s honest. If I don’t have the necessary words, then I remain silent.

Words are often too clumsy. I am good with words, but I also understand their limitations.

When words can provide no comfort, then it might be time for a hug.