August 22nd, 2026
Traveling on a long road trip with a restless five-year-old is an endurance test. Our grandson, Asher, is a good kid and we love him dearly, but he can be relentless when he wants something, and he often wants something. On our journey from Wisconsin to Texas and back, Karin and I had to make frequent stops to fuel up the car, take bathroom breaks, and give bribes to Asher. It was nearly impossible to leave a truck stop without buying him some kind of crappy souvenir. In a way it didn’t matter what he got, as long as he got something. We could have shown resolve and refused to purchase anything, but that would have made for a much more stressful ride. So, Karin and I took the path of least resistance and bought Asher some badly made consumer items every day on the trip. Here’s some of what he got:
At a Love’s in Illinois, Karin bought him this ball that looked like the head of Skye, a Cockapoo character from Paw Patrol. The object was truly hideous. It was just this smiling head without a body attached to it. It’s like Skye had been sent to the guillotine. How does a kid even play with that? Does he play catch with it? “Here, Grandpa, throw me Skye’s head!” Asher wanted me to pretend the head/ball was talking. That freaked me out. It was way too macabre.
We stayed for twelve days in Madisonville, Texas, in a Best Western across the street from a Buc-ee’s gas station. To those who are unaware, a Buc-ee’s is a monstrous filling station with dozens of pumps and a store the size of a strip mall. They have everything there, including a BBQ brisket sandwich that is to die for. They have toys and activity packages that kids can take in the car on a trip. The items aren’t really that bad, but all of them somehow advertise for Buc-ee’s. We bought several things for Asher. Some he liked, some not. There was a small coloring book that worked with a pen that you filled with water. Asher liked drawing with the water pen and seeing the colors that were embedded in the paper become visible.
We stopped in an obscure convenience store/gas station in Tyler, Texas. Asher demanded a prize in that place. He selected a toy that is difficult to adequately describe. It had a clear plastic handle on the bottom that was filled with tiny pieces of candy. Attached above the handle was a blue plastic dolphin with what appeared to be a propeller sticking out of its mouth. On the side of the dolphin was a yellow hand crank. When Asher turned the crank, the propeller lit up and spun rapidly. It looked like a glowing disc. That was actually kind of cool. Unfortunately, when he cranked on the handle like an organ grinder, the toy spewed out some horrible circus music like a demonic calliope. He began playing with it in the car, and after less than a minute, both Karin and I demanded that he stop. It was a toy from hell.
At another Love’s we reluctantly purchased a stuffed animal for Asher. It was a large, pale blue, morbidly obese seal. Asher fell in love with his new stuffie. He insisted that I do “stuffie talk” and speak for the seal. The seal is now known as “Big Blue”. I had to make up a special voice for Big Blue. Now, Big Blue has his own background story. He lives at the North Pole and hangs out with Santa’s reindeer when he isn’t swimming and fishing. Asher takes Big Blue to bed every night. I have to admit that the seal is rather huggable.
The seal was worth the money.
Frank is Emptiness 