Hopes and Fears

April 2nd, 2020

“Hope is beauty,
At her feet, the world,

A million flashes,
A million smiles.
And on the catwalk,
She flaunts her style a long mile.

An angry sign of darkness,
Our hope lies lost and torn.
All flame like love is fleeting,
When there’s no hope anymore.

Pain and glory,
Hand in hand,
A sacrifice,
The highest price.

Like the poison in her heart,
Like a whisper she was gone,
Like when angels fall.

And on this side of darkness,
Our hope lies on the floor.
All love like flame is fleeting,
When there’s no hope anymore.

Like the poison in her heart,
Like a whisper, she was gone,
Like an angel, angels fall.”

“Hope” by the heavy metal cello quartet, Apocalyptica

4:00 on a dark, rainy morning is probably not the best time to write about hope.

It might be a good time to write about fear.

The rest of the house is still asleep. I go to bed quite early. Karin and the girl we love go to bed quite late. When I try to fall asleep, I still hear the rumble of confused life in the background. When I awake, it is quiet, except for the patter of raindrops on the skylight and the steady breath of Karin lying next to me. I don’t often go near to the room of the girl we love. She might be wrestlng with her demons in the night. Or, I fear, she might not be wrestling with them at all. She may have given up.

I did the modern thing, and looked for quotations about ‘hope” online, thinking I could one in this essay. I looked for Bible quotes because, despite all evidence to the contrary, there is still hope in the Bible. I was disappointed. The only quotes I could find were on sites that were Christian versions of Pravda. It was all propaganda, and it wasn’t even good propaganda. Why can’t some religious websites even try to be real?

The girl went yesterday afternoon to get her broken teeth fixed. I drove her to the dentist, and I waited in the parking lot. As I waited, I sat and listened to the song from Apocalyptica over and over. My OCD kicks in when I am bored. The young woman didn’t get what she needed. Because of the Coronanvirus, the dentist office is shutting down. Instead of getting her implants, she got a temporary partial denture. The denture is probably good enough for now, but it isn’t what she really needs. Actually, a dentist can’t give this woman what she really needs. He or she can only help with her teeth. There is a lot more involved.

Back in 2009, my younger brother, Chuck, died. He died from alcoholism, mental illness, and the crushing weight of the world. I remember the sleepless nights I spent worrying about him. I remember the sudden trips to the ER when it looked like he was about ready to leave us. I remember abandoning him because I was too scared to help him.

Sometimes, things feel the same with the girl that we love. I could not save my brother. I cannot save this young woman.

I hope that she will heal. I fear that she will die.








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