August 31st, 2026
Asher woke up a couple minutes after I did this morning. The five-year-old climbed over me on the bed to give me a hug. Then he asked,
“Do you love me?”
I told him, “I love you all the time.”
This isn’t the first time that Asher has asked that question. Lately, he has been asking more often about whether or not I love him. I guess it is a normal question to ask, but I sense an underlying uneasiness on Asher’s part. I don’t know that I can give Asher an answer that would really satisfy him. There is this hunger in his voice when asks me. He wants to know that I love him, but he also wants to know that I will be here for him.
Asher has had important people disappear from his life. Some of them are missing through no fault of their own. A few simply abandoned him. In any case, since he was an infant, Asher has experienced loss. He’s anxious that he might experience it again.
I would like to tell Asher that I will always be there for him, but he knows better than that. He knows that I am old, and that old people die. He has a remarkably mature view on that subject. The best way I can reassure him is to be here now. That does not require me to do anything extraordinary. All I have to do care for him; maybe read him stories, play with him, and listen to what he needs to say. Asher wants me to be present. In order to be present, I have to sacrifice some of things I would like to do, but he feels more stable and safe when we share time together. I demonstrate my love for Asher by spending my limited time with him. Time is of greater value than money.
Asher also asks me, “How much do you love me?” I never how to verbally answer that question. Words fail in this regard. I can’t tell him how much i love him. I can only show him.
Frank is Emptiness 
Hi Frank, Beautiful and genuine, heartfelt writing. As a mother and now grandmother of a almost 6 yr. old, I was thinking that Asher might benefit knowing if there is some designated person that will replace you when you can no longer be that significant other for him (for whatever reason)….esp. if he’s endured so much loss at an early age.
I recall when I returned to the U.S. after living in Turkey for a year with my two kids and husband/Turkish father of my children. We were separating as parents at that point and simultaneously learning to live with the reality of my 2nd daughter having developed a neuro-degenerative (undiagnosable) disease that at age 2 had left her her severely physically disabled. (while living in Turkey). When I had to take her to an important medical appt. with my older daughter, now 8 yrs old, I dropped them both off at the UCSF clinic lobby while I went to park the car. My oldest daughter expressed a lot of anxiety fearing that I was just going to abandon them at the clinic. Probably the major changes in her younger sister combined with parents separating was just too traumatic. I remember feeling so surprised that she could even think that I would just abandon them both, especially since I felt I had done a pretty good job at letting them both know (often) how much I loved them. I felt relieved to know that my oldest could express her fears with me…and hopefully I assured her well enough to provide the trust and comfort she so needed back then.
It’s very endearing that you have such a special relationship with your grandson. He will be forever grateful!
Toby
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Dear Toby,
Thanks for reading the post and for writing to me. I appreciate you telling me your story. That helps.
At this juncture in time, there is no back up plan if Karin and/or I are absent from Asher’s life. We had hoped that our youngest son could take over in case we couldn’t be with Asher, but Stefan is angry with us, and we have had no contact with him for over a year. Asher’s father abandoned Asher a couple weeks after Asher got out of the NICU. Honestly, Asher is better off without that guy in his life. Asher’s mama, our daughter Hannah, is currently doing prison time. She is serving her sentence at the Milwaukee Women’s Correctional Center. We try to take Asher to visit her once a week. She calls him at least once each day. Hannah gets out on February 4th, 2028. Even when she is out, she will not be able to raise Asher. It will take years for Hannah to get her life together to the degree that she can be Asher’s caregiver. Karin and I are “it” for the duration. Asher knows that. He starts his second year of kindergarten at the Tamarack Waldorf School on Wednesday. That school provides him with stability and community. Those are things he desperately needs.
I sometimes think about the short time we had together at Creech back in 2017. That was a life-changing experience for me, and I am forever grateful for it. However, I can’t imagine doing it again, although I wish I could. My focus is, and has to be, on Asher. I also have to care for my wife, Karin, and our daughter, Hannah. Our oldest son, Hans, the Iraqi War vet, also needs me at times. There is no time or energy for anything else.
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