Tag: letting-go

Tearing it all Down

April 18th, 2026

I tore down Asher’s baby crib a couple days ago. I had been avoiding that particular task for as long as I could. This piece of furniture is actually a combination crib/changing table. It has numerous parts, all of which are held together with hex nuts. I hate hex nuts. The little hex wrenches are always awkward to use and easy to misplace. It would have been okay if all
I needed was one wrench for all the nuts. But nooooooooo, I needed two wrenches and I usually tried to use the wrong one first. There was a lot of swearing going on, which somehow seemed inappropriate.

Asher’s crib has been in his bedroom for over five years. Asher has slept in it a total of one time, and that was for a brief daytime nap. Asher has almost always slept with Karin and/or me, mostly with me. So, the crib is essentially brand new. We are giving it away to a Methodist church in Racine, Wisconsin, not too far from where we live. We are also donating Asher’s stroller, highchair, and anything else that a five-year-old no longer needs. Since Asher came to our house from the NICU back in December of 2020, we have accumulated an enormous amount of stuff that needs a new home. The goal is to get this paraphernalia to people who need it more than we do, and at this point we don’t need any of it at all.

Getting rid of the crib opens a space in Asher’s room for his big boy bed. This bed used to belong to Asher’s uncle many years ago. It has two large drawers underneath that are on rollers for easy access. Asher is excited about having a big boy bed, as well he should be. Now, he can sleep alone if he wants. I expect that he will use his “new-to-him” bed most nights. Sometimes, he will probably find his way into my bedroom when he needs somebody to hold him. I am sure that Asher will get used to sleeping by himself, and then someday, maybe in fifteen years or so, he will once again want to sleep with someone else, albeit for very different reasons than he has now.

It seems natural, although perhaps sad, to tear down something in order to build something new. Things become obsolete and have to be discarded. These things might be physical objects, or they can be habits and routines. Asher has outgrown the crib. As his caregivers, we have to outgrow any attachment we have to his time as a baby or a toddler. Not everything goes away. Hell, we still have child safe electrical outlets from when Asher’s mama was a little girl. Life moves forward and we have to move along with it.

I had to tighten up the frame of Asher’s big boy bed. It’s held together with hex nuts.

Flying and Letting Go

January 4th, 2026

I sometimes dream about flying. I guess a lot of people do that. I have heard that it is a common type of dream. It might be a different situation in my case in that there was a time when I actually did fly. I was an U.S. Army aviator back in the day. For five years I flew helicopters, initially Hueys (think of the movie Apocalypse Now) and later Black Hawks (the film Black Hawk Down comes to mind). I was never in combat, but I flew. It was often fun, and occasionally terrifying. I stopped being a pilot back in August of 1986. That was a long time ago, but apparently that role is still part of my life, or at least of my history.

My flying dreams are usually frustrating. I never actually get to fly. I am always preparing for a flight, sometimes on the verge of takeoff, but I never quite get into the air. Apparently, the problem is that the current version of myself is trying to be who I was forty years ago. In my dream I have a long beard, which I do now, but obviously did not have as an Army officer. In the dream I am not in uniform but should be. In the dream, somebody is giving me orders that I have no intention of following. It just never works out. I stay on the ground.

People ask me, “Do you miss flying?” the answer is: “Of course.” However, I know in my mind and my heart that flying is no longer part of life. That part of my story is done. It was wonderful while it lasted, but it’s over now, and I have many other things to do. I have other responsibilities. I am no longer a pilot. I can’t return to that identity. Even in my dreams, I know that I can’t go back.

I had a conversation yesterday, via Zoom, with a woman who is the guiding teacher for the Zen sangha to which I belong. She asked me questions about my life and I babbled on for a while. Then she spoke briefly about detachment and letting go. Zen is all about that. Zen is about being in the moment and not hanging on to things that are either lost in the past or hidden in the future. All there that exists is the present. The past is dead and the future a mystery.

The teacher gave me a subject on which to meditate. I am not very good at letting go of things, especially relationships. It is hard for me to stay in the moment, although our young grandson, Asher, does his best to keep me in the here and now. Caring fulltime for the little guy does not allow me much time to wallow in the past. That is a very good thing. In that respect, Asher is an excellent spiritual guide, and one who loves me, as I love him.

I write about Asher frequently. At this point, my life revolves around the boy. I have a friend, who reads my blog, and he once asked me what I will do when Asher is no longer in my life. The guiding teacher from the Zen sangha also touched on that. Will I be able to let go of Asher when he no longer needs my full attention? I don’t know. I will not know the answer to that question until the moment when he slips away from me (or I from him).

It is clear that someday Asher and I will separate. That is inevitable. That will hurt. The only question is how I will accept it.

He will be always in my dreams.